The Bloody Doors Off

I had something on my mind earlier, but can’t remember it now.

This is the Sunday I wanted to have a week ago.

I took a walk in the sun. I don’t do this enough.

Good Saturday night.

If you had me getting manic after midnight and needing to sweep the apartment, give yourself a cupe doll.

It’s like a kewpie doll, only it’s got a great benefits package.

Monday, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist. Aside from having to work at being happy, a major suggestion was “Embrace the chaos”.

It came from me.

I can’t control what I can’t control. So why not embrace it instead?

You ever see Parenthood? The movie, not the television show. There’s a moment where Steve Martin is mentally on a roller coaster and he looks like he’s gonna throw up. But then he has a moment where he decides instead to embrace the ride, and it fundamentally changes him.

Oh, right. Spoilers.

So fuck it, I said “I’m gonna embrace the chaos.”

Today I got more responsibility at work. It already swallowed me up and spit me out the other side. But tomorrow’s another day. It threw me around the room, body slammed me to the floor, but I’m getting back up again.

The only reason I didn’t put in overtime was, I had 2 jobs from different clients waiting for me at home.

And I’m up early to do more edits.

Just wish there was a reset button in my head, basically a ‘temporary files’ wash-out. So I could sleep. Man, I need sleep.

I feel like it’s all a lie.

Today was designed to humble me. That’s how it felt.

The day started off great. A client I’d worked for last year on a sub-contract, who needed my skills as a Microsoft Office Specialist, called today. They’ve got two small jobs in the pipe; one will be due Friday.

I thought about what my doctor and I talked about.

Embracing the chaos.

So naturally I said yes.

And felt amazing over it. Being where I wanted to be. Busy. Productive.

The rest of the day ganged up on me. I’d forgotten to put on my belt. Random. Never happened before, or at least I’d notice it and grab it before heading out. Not today. Sometime during the day my pill box fell out of my pocket, and I’m out a half-dozen Metformin. I’d apparently fucked up a job I’d worked on last Saturday. There goes my streak.

The capper was coming home. Did you know a streetcar can’t go in reverse? Major fucking traffic fuck-up because a streetcar just ahead of mine ended up turning left instead of right (you’ve got to manually change the track). Waiting for a shuttle bus took 20 minutes (even though 1 sat in the southbound land for just as long, not moving).

By the time I got to Greenwood, I desperately wanted to take my frustrations out on an inanimate object.

Which I didn’t do, because that would be bad.

Even though it feels like life was kicking me in the head all day.

My doctor put it to me this morning that I’m not a naturally happy person, and I have to work hard to find my happiness.

And he’s right.

Even on my brother Wayne’s wedding day, I struggled.

And there it is. A confession. No one knew that. I’ve held onto that little nugget for 25 years.

It’s not that I wasn’t happy for them. I definitely was, and still am to this day. But it was a struggle to feel it in the moment. To put a smile on my face during the festivities.

At Jason & Paige’s reception, I was manic. Over-compensating. I had to slip out when i was about to crash emotionally.

I can think of a ton of other moments over the years.

So there it is. I’m not incapable of being happy; I just don’t know how to do it without serious effort.

Previously…

I helped a friend with a little unpacking clean-up after his move on Saturday. Feeling like a leisurely afternoon, I plan to stroll through Kensington Market before a jaunt to Staples. But first, I need money. There’s an RBC ATM at the Rexall at Spadina and College; I make the decision to pop in and grab some cash.

2:00 pm: Everything seems normal before TERROR STRIKES. The ATM, while trying to complete my transaction, can’t eject my card. After 3 attempts, it eats the plastic and cancels the transaction.

2:01 pm: I call the RBC help line, and spend several minutes explaining the situation. Too many people come by wanting to use the ATM; I warn them off. It’s a killer.

2:10 pm: I’m informed there are only 2 branches in all of Toronto with branches open on Sunday. One’s in Liberty Village (Dufferin and King area, which is technically closer to where I currently am) and Fairview Mall in North York. Both branches are only open until 4:00 pm.

2:11 pm: OBSTACLE. I need photo I.D. to get a temporary card. My driver’s license has expired and won’t work. I have to go home and get my Passport.

I have 1 hour, 49 minutes to accomplish this goal. I’m racing the clock.

2:12 pm: I jay-run diagonally to catch the next available Spadina streetcar north to the Bloor-Danforth line.

It smells like feet in there.

2:21 pm: Arrive at Spadina. The ETA system is OFFLINE because of track repairs between Kennedy and Woodbine. (You’d think this wouldn’t matter, but it does. It’s hard to gauge how long it’ll take to get home.

2:23 pm: The subway shows up.

It smells like feet.

2:37 pm: Arrive at Greenwood Station, bus takes it’s sweet time showing up.

What’s with all feet smell?

2:48 pm: I get home and retrieve my Passport.

2:55 pm: The bus arrives and I’m headed back to Greenwood Station, then west to Pape. The ETA is still offline. Makes it harder to keep up the 24 parody.

3:09 pm: I board the Don Mills bus at Pape, and begin the travel north to Fairview Mall.

3:18 pm: This trip is taking forever.

3:31 pm: Eglinton.

Can’t get past the persevering smell of feet.

3:39 pm: Hit York Mills. Beginning to hallucinate that no one is wearing shoes. It’s the only explanation.

3:47 pm: FINALLY arrive at Don Mills Station and Fairview Mall. I’m running through the crowds like Jack Bauer. But there’s no Chloe giving me sitreps in an ear piece.

3:50 pm: Arrive inside the RB C branch. Get in line. There are 3 people ahead of me, and a half dozen seated at the back. See? It makes sense to have branches open on a Sunday.

4:05 pm: Finally in possession of a temporary card. But I have to come back to a branch tomorrow to get the hold taken off my account; you know, the one they put on when I called to complain about my card being eaten.

4:07 pm: I run to the Silver City Cineplex to catch the 4:15 pm showing of X-Men: Days of Future Past.

4:12 pm: Grab my seat and settle in.

Fuck, it smells like ass in here.

Reset the clock.