The Bloody Doors Off

Or more accurately, crowd skirting.

I haven’t been a huge fan of crowds the past year. I get nervous, antsy. A need to break away, get fresh air.

It’s been more noticeable of late. Jason & Paige’s wedding reception, and then Uncle Roy’s funeral.

It’s not me being anti-social, it’s becoming overwhelmed with the number of people. And while I’d like to go out and enjoy World Pride, I hesitate because of the sheer number of people. This thing that makes me proud in my city also has me hiding behind a computer screen instead.

Something’s gotta give.

I’ve been listening to talk radio when I get up in the morning. Couldn’t tell you why. I could just as easily get my news from the 24 hour news channels.

The usual talking heads, the same take on current events.

Ugh, my nose won’t stop running. Allergies are a killer this year.

Last night I had a beer. This is only significant because I went to the beer store and brought some home. I don’t think I’ve had beer in this place since I moved in. My previous roommate however, was a collector. When he finally moved out and he recycled the cans, I swear he could’ve made back $10 in empties (at 5 cents a can; you do the math).

Eh, I’m pushing for something to write this morning. It’s too early.

So very tired tonight. Frustrating day at work, got the best of me.

I felt it building, but had no stop gap. No release valve to slowly let out the pressure.

Days like this beat on me pretty hard.  Sometimes I can find an out.

Today I couldn’t.

But I survived it.

And I remind myself that tomorrow’s a new day. A day of second chances.

Right?

I had a very dark moment earlier tonight. So ridiculously hellish that I nearly laughed. But the seriousness behind this… joke.

Not at all good.

Let’s not have that happen again, please.

I don’t feel like myself today.

I don’t feel anything.

I heard the news today, oh boy.

My Uncle Roy passed earlier in the day. He’d taken a hard fall a couple of weeks ago and had been in hospital since. It scrambled his memories; he had difficulty remembering his family, if at all. He’d broken a hip. For a bit it looked like he was recovering. I ran into my cousin downtown on Thursday and I’d asked about him. She said he was back in ICU.

I’m very numb right now. My mom’s side of the family hasn’t been exactly close. We see each other mainly and weddings and. Well. Yeah.

Maybe it’s the shock of it all. Or the timing. I don’t know.

I just know I’ll never see him again. Gotta figure out how I’m going to make the funeral.

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

W.H. Auden

What I thought was an overpayment from the agency, isn’t. I am apparently not good at math.

I was going to make a Webster’s/Urban dictionary joke about tonight’s election.

But I’m not.

I’d comment about how quickly Hudak jumped out of his leadership chair.

But I’m not gonna.

I like to argue politics.

But I’m stopping now.

I made comments earlier on Facebook.

But I’m done.

I’m happy this is over.

Tomorrow I want to focus on something else. Like. Me.

it’s not wrong to be a little selfish. I need to concentrate on my own healing. It dawned on me earlier that I’m on an upswing.

I’d like it to continue.

This should be the final month of my bankruptcy. I haven’t heard officially yet, one way or the other.

It’s driving me mental Like being in purgatory; you can see your version of Heaven just off on the horizon, but you can also smell the sulfur wafting behind you. And you don’t want to turn around, even for an instant, because Azazel might be reaching out with a clawed fist.

I’m trying to stay positive, yet am acting pragmatically. My Trustee said back in May that I didn’t have to record my expenses this month, but I’m doing it anyway. 2014 started out total shit, but the spring’s been good to me. Summer could be the same. But I’m still waiting for shoes to drop. I even had a moment today that reminded me of the slide I was starting this time last year. I don’t want to go there again.

Please.

I’m having a moment. Several, actually.

And I can’t explain why. I know why, I just can’t talk about it. It won’t come out.