The Bloody Doors Off

On my head. And there’s a brick inside.

So the agency did overpay me. Fine. I can arrange to pay it back. In installments. Given they’ve fucked with me for 3 months.

Only no. They want to take it out of my current invoice instead.

Um. That’s illegal, is it not?

I’ve scanned through the contract and there’s nothing about overpayments and withholding payment. There is a section that talks about whether the contract goes longer or shorter, and is paid accordingly (i.e., you work an extra 3 weeks, you get the extra 3 weeks, and vice versa).

Of course, they could try to fight it, and bring in the lawyers (there’s a clause in the contract about recouping legal fees).

I’m in for yet another fight. I don’t need this.

I seriously don’t.

I was once told, and it still amazes me to know, that the Chinese script for Crisis and Opportunity are essentially the same symbol.

Can’t decide at this moment which I’m experiencing.

Work is still producing, both the main contract and side work. I had a job in all weekend; barely had an hour here and there to enjoy for myself. Not complaining, it could all dry up tomorrow. Which of course frightens the fuck out of me. I’m still reacting to all of it, instead of capitalizing on it. I’m honestly not sure how to do that at the moment. As it stands, there’s one month left at the bank. I really would like it extended, but I’ve polished my resume and plan to contact recruiters at the beginning of the month just in case. But I still fear. I can’t relax.

My personal life faces the same crossroads. There’s opportunity, but I’m not entirely sure it’s what I want. So I’m hesitant. Telling myself to just breathe, take it moment by moment, and listen to my gut. I don’t do that enough, but my gut’s hardly ever wrong.

Aside from the one day writing stint, I’ve come up dry. I even avoided the blog for a couple of days, which I swore I wouldn’t do. Even if I wrote drivel here, at least I was writing. Old habits are hard to break.

I don’t want to break.

I need to stay strong.

Show me how.

Or more accurately, crowd skirting.

I haven’t been a huge fan of crowds the past year. I get nervous, antsy. A need to break away, get fresh air.

It’s been more noticeable of late. Jason & Paige’s wedding reception, and then Uncle Roy’s funeral.

It’s not me being anti-social, it’s becoming overwhelmed with the number of people. And while I’d like to go out and enjoy World Pride, I hesitate because of the sheer number of people. This thing that makes me proud in my city also has me hiding behind a computer screen instead.

Something’s gotta give.

I’ve been listening to talk radio when I get up in the morning. Couldn’t tell you why. I could just as easily get my news from the 24 hour news channels.

The usual talking heads, the same take on current events.

Ugh, my nose won’t stop running. Allergies are a killer this year.

Last night I had a beer. This is only significant because I went to the beer store and brought some home. I don’t think I’ve had beer in this place since I moved in. My previous roommate however, was a collector. When he finally moved out and he recycled the cans, I swear he could’ve made back $10 in empties (at 5 cents a can; you do the math).

Eh, I’m pushing for something to write this morning. It’s too early.

So very tired tonight. Frustrating day at work, got the best of me.

I felt it building, but had no stop gap. No release valve to slowly let out the pressure.

Days like this beat on me pretty hard.  Sometimes I can find an out.

Today I couldn’t.

But I survived it.

And I remind myself that tomorrow’s a new day. A day of second chances.

Right?

I had a very dark moment earlier tonight. So ridiculously hellish that I nearly laughed. But the seriousness behind this… joke.

Not at all good.

Let’s not have that happen again, please.

I don’t feel like myself today.

I don’t feel anything.

I heard the news today, oh boy.

My Uncle Roy passed earlier in the day. He’d taken a hard fall a couple of weeks ago and had been in hospital since. It scrambled his memories; he had difficulty remembering his family, if at all. He’d broken a hip. For a bit it looked like he was recovering. I ran into my cousin downtown on Thursday and I’d asked about him. She said he was back in ICU.

I’m very numb right now. My mom’s side of the family hasn’t been exactly close. We see each other mainly and weddings and. Well. Yeah.

Maybe it’s the shock of it all. Or the timing. I don’t know.

I just know I’ll never see him again. Gotta figure out how I’m going to make the funeral.

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

W.H. Auden

What I thought was an overpayment from the agency, isn’t. I am apparently not good at math.

I was going to make a Webster’s/Urban dictionary joke about tonight’s election.

But I’m not.

I’d comment about how quickly Hudak jumped out of his leadership chair.

But I’m not gonna.

I like to argue politics.

But I’m stopping now.

I made comments earlier on Facebook.

But I’m done.

I’m happy this is over.

Tomorrow I want to focus on something else. Like. Me.

it’s not wrong to be a little selfish. I need to concentrate on my own healing. It dawned on me earlier that I’m on an upswing.

I’d like it to continue.