The Bloody Doors Off

I’m fighting off a summer cold. The weather sucks.

I suppose if this is my major bitching point for a Sunday, that’s not too bad.

Able to upgrade to a colour laser printer today for the business. Finally decided it’s necessary. I did a freebee poster for a friend and decided after I saw it printed properly that I could’ve made it look better. It’s not enough to view it on screen. I need to be sure of the product I’m completing. I’d rather save the money, but like I said, it’s necessary.

Finding it harder to part with cash. Being on the brink of poverty for over a year will do that to you. I don’t envy friends who still are, and wish I could help. But I’m still at that level where things could go either way. Fucking anxiety.

Got in to the office, logged in, and got an apology from yesterday.

I got asked to work late. Not a problem; I hadn’t worked OT in weeks and there was nothing on my schedule.

But the work itself. Man. One client gave opaque instructions to begin with (through a third person). Did it to company standards. Only that wasn’t what he wanted. So he provided another scratched version (again through an intermediary). Did the best I could and sent it back.

And then came the email. He was pissed because clearly I couldn’t read his mind or understand what he hadn’t explained. I’ve heard about this guy. You don’t give him exactly what he wants, he goes ballistic. I fucking hate clients like this. You always find one in a large company.

I had to hand the map off to someone else to work on. Because I couldn’t handle the anger. His, and a bit of mine.

Don’t like how that shit can affect me. It gets me pissed off, and then I shut down because if I don’t, I explode. And blowing up is never a good thing.

But of course it marinated in my brain pan all night.

I need to learn to let this shit go. It’s not good for my mental health.

You don’t want to be in my head right now. It’s not a good place to be.

In the primordial ooze

That is my brain

I taste light

And make thunderous applause

At the notion

Tomorrow is another

Chance.

I did that thing, and they said ha, so I did the opposite, and they said huh, and I couldn’t figure out what was the right way to go so I just stepped to the left and days later I was thinking what was i thinking?

No, this doesn’t make sense.

I need to trust my gut more. It never lies.

I need to write more; it’s cathartic.

I should write this blog earlier in the evening when I’m not so tired. It’d make more sense.

I wish I could sleep through the entire night.

I need to stop fearing that a shoe will drop, and try to be happy.

If I wasn’t on so many damned pills. I worry sometimes they contradict each other.

So tired. Happy. Tired.

Today was a real learning experience at the job. I’ve been so accustomed to working conversions, that the normal day-to-day stuff was taking several attempts to get right. It got to me, the frustration. Once or twice I just wanted to scream.

That upset me even more.

I need to readjust. At least it wasn’t insanely busy; we went from 0 to 60 and held it for a good while, and then with 20 minutes left, dropped right back to zero. And I got some work in Production which, not that I’m there for another 4 months (and 4 months of Saturdays), that’s training I need. Just wish I wasn’t so damned hard on myself. That was the bitch part; a learning curve is always gonna happen, I just need to remind myself that while I can’t be perfect, I can be good.

Of course, I’ve been learning that curve for 47 years so. Old dog, new tricks?

Need to shake it off. I have a date Sunday afternoon.

Talk about another learning curve.

Now begins the fight with Trillium. I need to send in a copy of my taxes and EI form to prove that 2013 was indeed the worst fucking year of my life and I’m paying way too much for prescription medications and why the hell is my deductible more than doubled from when I got laid off?

My doctor said I have a hard time being happy. Wonder why?