The Bloody Doors Off

I feel like a fraud, sitting for hours at work doing nothing. It’s the slow season (i.e. summer) in banking. Nothing new to me. But for some reason this time it’s hitting me like a ton of bricks. Like they might realize extending the contract is costing them more money than it’s bringing in. I know, it’s stupid. But that’s where I am. It’ll pick up by September. I know the cycles like the back of my hand, it’s going to happen. Maybe it’s the shift I’m on this (and last) week; reminding me of the days (years) I spent working midnights, and the nights there would be nothing to do. I can listen to internet radio, I can surf the news sites. Hell, I can (and am) read a book. (It only now dawned on me I could spend time writing in my blog to make up for the lack of writing when I get home around 12:30am, when it’s the last thing on my mind.)

But I need to feel busy. Being out of work for 18 months didn’t help, and I’m tying my self-worth too much into the job. I can’t figure out how to relax and just ride the surf.

And tonight I’ve been having muscle pain and I’ve completely convinced myself it’s heart-related, even though it’s on the other side of my chest. It’s a strained muscle, for fuck’s sake.

I’m taking this shit far too personally.

I’ve been struggling. Despite things going well at work, in spite of my personal life being more active than it was. Essentially, small problems arise and they give me anxiety. It becomes blown out of proportion and, while I can keep it bottled in and deal with it, the process isn’t healthy. Not the bottling, certainly not turning molehills into mountains.

And it makes no sense. But if you know me, it does. I have this need to be in control of my environment, to situate things to my advantage or at least minimize the risk. And when it’s not, it cuts deep and leaves a scar. Because I can’t just roll with it.

So, this brings me to today and what my psychiatrist thinks I need to get involved in: cognitive behaviour therapy. And probably group.

I’m open to anything at this point. I’m tired of feeling this way, being on the defense. This of course means adjusting my schedule even more, and learning to roll with it.

Have I mentioned I’m not a fan of this shift? And I’m working it next week as well. Mind you, I’ve told them I’d like not to be on it following that. It’s playing havoc with my life. I can’t sleep later, my eating patterns are even more screwed up, I barely remember to write in my blog (I’m used to info dumping at the end of the night).

Yes, they send us home in a cab if you work past 11pm but I really enjoyed the wind down riding transit after a shift. But after midnight, no interest in taking 45 minutes to get home.

One more week, then back to relative normalcy.

Not a fan of the new hours. Hoping they don’t last beyond a week.

Spent far too much time in transit today trying to pick up and then drop off a kitty I relinquished to her foster momma, and while the right decision, still hurts like mad. She’s got a cute new name, but she’ll always be Mels to me.

Damned furball.

So, they found blood in Mels’ urine. She’s been given an antibiotic shot, but no word today from the vet. It’s killing me. Even though she’s gonna be living with her foster mom, I need to know she’s going to be okay. In her absence, Izzy’s become a cuddle monster. Which made me realize that she was more aloof when Mels was here. It’s weird seeing personality shifts like this.

Today’s an odd day. I had to sleep in until 10 so start getting my body used to the idea of staying awake later this week. Working Monday to Friday this week instead of Tuesday to Saturday, and starting at 3:30pm instead of noon. I did that shift for four years and am hoping it’s only temporary. I was starting to enjoy my hours. At least I got off my ass and cooked (and sliced) a roast for meals this week. The idea of taking sandwiches for dinner has absolutely zero appeal.

It’s a bit of a down day. It’s not a slide; or I don’t think it’s a slide. Just dealing with a lot of unknowns. Like when is the extended contract going to arrive so I can sign it? This is the last week of the original contract and I want everything taken care of. The office is treating me as a longer-term employee, but naturally the agency just can’t seem to get their crap together.

Wow I’m boring myself.

So, I’m on my own at the office tomorrow. Trial by fire. They’ve got faith in me. I worked midnights on my own for years before I had a partner (granted, I enjoyed the hours a lot more when Dale was there). So it’s nothing new for me. I can prioritize, I can hold down the fort.

Right, just say that to myself another 400 times and it’ll sink in.

And then it’s one day off and my hours flip. I’ll be working a week of evenings. Everything’s topsy turvy. Not even enough time to figure out dinners. Emergency run to the grocery store on Sunday then. If I have the time. I’ve got work for another client to get through by Sunday night. I had to turn down work Wednesday night when Mels went apeshit, but it came back (for which I’m grateful). But I’m also stressed over getting it done.

I gotta stop. I’m freaking myself out.

Mels will be going back with her foster momma. It’s not a choice I make lightly; realizing that emotionally I’m still on somewhat shaky ground since October is a hard pill to swallow, and knowing that I can’t give her the attention she needs in this stage of her development saddens me. I can look at recent events and see her aggression towards the others building, and I don’t know how to counter-act it. And Mels deserves a chance to be happy.

Today I learned that work is going to get even more insane. My contract’s extended but 3 people were let go. Which means I’m going to cover more hours, my hours may shift, etc. Hannah and Izzy are used to my odd hours, Mels is fighting for attention and control and I can’t offer it.

This hurts like a mofo, and I may have had it coming all along.

Mels went mental this morning, attacking the other girls and even taking a swipe at my leg. Despite separating them, she was still feral, and I worried for Hannah and Izzy. I took to the 24 hour Vet in the beaches (the doctor there was way chill) and they agreed to board her for a night or two while I examine my options. I can attempt to bring Mels back home and hope whatever set off this chilling behaviour subsides. Or they’re willing to help me find a more suitable home for her. I’m really struggling with this. I had to pass up work tonight to calm a volatile situation and it frayed my nerves to the point of collapse.

I dunno what to do. Hannah and Izzy are calmer now, but what about tomorrow?? Is Mels better with us or should she have an owner who pampers her and treats her as the one and only?    Am I slowly losing my shit over this?

Uncharted territory. Seriously.

My debt’s officially discharged, which means I’m out of bankruptcy. I’ve got a contract extension to the end of October. Paperwork’s been submitted to get my Trillium deductible reduced. I’ve even gone on dates.

There’s 3 months’ rent saved in the bank, and I’ve got close to $200 in coin rolled and waiting to be taken to the bank.

Thank god I’ve got a cold keeping me grounded; I don’t know how to process this … happiness.

Of course, saying that means something will go wrong. Just wait.

In the past 12 hours I’ve gone from a scratchy throat to ugly cough and stuffy nose. Apparently I’ve picked up the plague from a co-worker from last Thursday. (Yes I’m certain of the date, she wasn’t in on Friday.)

So now I’ve gotta make the hard call: knuckle through and go to work tomorrow, risking infecting others; or stay home and not get paid.

What to do.