The Bloody Doors Off

What the fuck am I even doing here?

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Graphic designer, playwright, occasional asshole

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  • ‘Be Strong’

    I’m starting to hate those words right now. And it’s not because people have said that to me. They haven’t. Anyone who’s engaged me since Tuesday have been incredible. My oldest brother Kevin dropped pretty much everything this afternoon when I’d returned his call and was struggling. (I have no doubt my other brother Wayne…

  • Can’t concentrate. Chest is tight. Another panic attack. Going to take a shower and try to calm down.

  • Not so happy this morning. Took two hours to unwind after taking my pills last night, and couldn’t wake up this morning (hit the alarm a few times). What’s weird right now is that, the more I’m away from hospital, the harder I’m finding it to ask for help when the pressure builds up.

  • Man, that felt pretentious. I’ll find my voice.

  • The boy who cried crisis

    This isn’t the first time I’ve been in crisis, or at least recognized that I was so. That was back in May 2013. Out of work, the (then) girlfriend was off into the ether dealing with her own issues. I was just starting Wellbutrin, and my former landlord was plotting to evict me because of…

  • Angry Birds

    It’s ridiculous to even consider trying to forget the first night, let alone the entire experience. I’m not going to come out of this any stronger by burying it. But you know how memories are: they come at you in fragments first, and not always in the proper order. So I remember the green foam…

  • Starting at the bottom

    I’m not myself. Haven’t been for some time, and it all caught up to me on Tuesday. I had what can be described as a meltdown/breakdown at my psychiatrist’s office. The pressures of no EI, not getting on OW until at least December, no health insurance, mounting health costs and a limited self-employment income stream…

  • And I’m back

    Been very bad at this ‘daily’ blogging thing. Horrible, to be honest. I get a good day or two and I don’t write about it. And then there’s nothing to remind me of why it was good. Same with the bad. For completely different reasons. I don’t want to be reminded of the hell I…

  • A good couple of days

    A short update tonight. Emotionally I’ve been feeling more stable. Things with the girlfriend are better than good. The lack of work still sucks and EI says I don’t qualify until the end of December, which I’m going to fight. But overall, in this moment, I’m happy.

  • This blog’s becoming a story about my battle with depression

    And honestly I’m not sure how i feel about that. I wanted this to be a tool that got me writing again. A tool to spark my creativity. Yet it hasn’t been a daily exercise (not yet), and when I do eventually write, this is what motivates me. Granted, it’s good to write it down…