At the end of the first day in the office, one of two things was going to happen: I’d be drained and regretting the contract, or I’d be energized and ready for more. It was the latter.

I’ve been manic for hours, and not sure if I can find my equilibrium tonight without outside assistance. (Like decaf tea. Or another kind of leaf.) I woke up this way. Really think it’s tied into the anticipation of starting the contract tomorrow. I’m a little nervous about it, but mostly excited. Woke up feeling…

Mels has been fixed, and she’s so over it already. I’d swear she was a hipster, if cats could be hipsters. Me, I’ll settle for a decent night’s sleep.

I feel like I have whiplash. Figuratively speaking. Was supposed to into the office today for noon, only to wake up to a voice mail saying they hadn’t heard back from the client and so, don’t bother, just go in on Monday. And oh, instead of noon your training starts at 10am. I’m fine with…

The background check is clear, and the client wants me to start tomorrow instead of waiting until Monday. I’m good with this. As the afternoon passed though, a bit of anxiety welled up. I tried to take a 30 minute nap, and it attempted a rear flanking maneuver to fuck with me. But I blocked…

Diagnosis: murrrrrrrrrderrrrrrrrrrr. Joking. Diagnosis: Mild Bipolar 2 Disorder with a side of Depressive Anxiety. Not much change in medications; the doctor’s recommending I stop taking Divalproex for the mood disorder and instead take a low dose of Abilify. That’s a load off my mind. Seriously. Not knowing was worse. Now a plan of attack can…

Another bout of anxiety a few minutes ago. Fingers are still shaky, and my brain is jumbled. This one came in like a steam-powered locomotive leaving the station. Slow, and blowin’ a lot of smoke. And it was inevitable; you could feel that it was going to push through no matter the defenses I took.…

I’ve written about naming my despair and fear. He’s come back to visit tonight. And I know, beyond all else, that he has no place here. The last thing I want is to be a host for him. Life hasn’t even been horrible. Not great, but much improved. So why’s he here now?

Greetings, Professor Falcen. ‘Hello, Joshua.’ Would you like to play a game? ‘Yes.’ How about a nice game of chess? ‘I’d like to play bankruptcy chicken.’ Wouldn’t you rather play global thermonuclear war? ‘Maybe chess then.’ Had my meeting with the bankruptcy trustee today, and found out I’m thisclose to having my bankruptcy extended to…

There’s stuff I’ve noticed recently. About myself. How I have all my pill bottles lined up in a certain order. (No, not label faced out.) That I can’t resist buying an extra can of coffee when it’s $6.99. Not $7.00, that’s too much. $6.00. I space out at odd times. I’ll put the kettle on,…