The Bloody Doors Off

4 responses to “Vanity Plates”

1. 

   A Kate Polivka

   December 30, 2013

   Alright, listen. You know that I love you, even when I’m aggravated with you, even when I don’t understand you. So you feel questioned? That’s how I feel when you make odd comments about my relationship… I feel questioned. So we’re even. I could pussy-foot around things and say, “Oh, Paul’s depressed, I’m not going to call him on anything,” but I’m not sure you want to be handled with kid gloves. If you need to yell at me in return, that’s fine. Friends yell. I’ll still love you afterward.

   I have said for a long time that you need to get outside of yourself. Outside of your head, outside of your apartment, outside of your daily life. All the negative energy that has built up there is toxic. I will reiterate my conviction that you need to put something positive into the world, because positive comes back to you. Volunteer somewhere (with people, with animals, with nature, with the city, whatever) because you never know who you’ll meet and you can, in fact, put it on your resume. Some of the most relaxing times I had when I was depressed were working in a cancer ward, which seems like it would be horrible. The opposite was true. Serving another person put my life in perspective. It made me feel content and useful to the world. Walk a lonely dog. Clean up a park. Do SOMETHING. And if you haven’t got it in you to volunteer, spend some time in a church of your choosing chatting with god. Be angry if you want; he can take it.

   The cliche is true. To get something you’ve never had, you must do something you’ve never done.

   I think journaling is healthy… but maybe it needs to be more than a statement of circumstances. Maybe it needs to be aspirational. What do you want? How are you going to drag yourself up by the bootstraps and get it? How are you going to look your shitty string of luck in the eye, spit at it, and do better?

   Leave your apartment. Walk. Serve. Pray. TRY SOMETHING ELSE.

   Reply
   1. 

      bigpoppaevil

      December 30, 2013

      The one thing I’m not doing is questioning your relationship. You had a funny look and I made a joke about it. In the OOC game, I commented on a post that I suspect a few others may have made the same LOL in their head. Quite frankly I’m bloody thrilled you found Vik. For years I’ve been hoping you’d find someone that good for you.

      As for the rest of it, I do try and get out. I do try and find things to do. But there’s a repeating loop in my head right now that’s fighting against me. It weighs so fucking hard it’s almost not worth getting out of bed in the morning. It’s near impossible to volunteer or find a hobby when your brain insists that it won’t work, that the effort is going to hurt even more. I’ve talked to god, I’ve tried to get out every day even if it meant just walking the block.

      I’m broke, I’m in bankruptcy. I have to question every cent I spend before I spend it. I worry about bills, I worry about food in the cupboard, I fucking scream against my own sabotage. The fight’s been going on for over 14 months and I’m exhausted from the constant battles.

      So I apologize if I’ve made you think I’ve questioned anything about you. The few moments I’ve tried to find light and humor have obviously been an unmitigated disaster, which is why I’m walking away right now. Better to stay silent and not offend.

      Reply
2. 

   A Kate Polivka

   December 30, 2013

   Walking away from what? Whom? Apparently whatever you’ve decided to do is bleeding into writing (yeah, I saw that too). I understand the severity of what’s going on, and I know the loop well. They’re obsessive thoughts, and I’ve struggled with them and medicated and been counseled and sabotaged myself until I was blue in the face, and finally something worked. One day it’ll come back and I’ll have to try something else. If there’s one thing I have figured out, it’s that it always comes back because it’s chemical and eventually a tolerance builds up. The only thing that I know won’t work is giving up. It’s about grit. You have it (I know you do) and you must keep using it. There are things in your life that I’m not sure help you or are healthy, not for the long term, but I think they may give you some short-term comfort, so who am I to argue that point?

   As for whether the effort to get out and try things hurts more?

   Nah. Nothing hurts worse than lying in bed feeling that weight.

   Reply
3. 

   Tracey

   December 31, 2013

   dont stop these entries… that is all.

   Reply