The Bloody Doors Off

I’m a lapsed Catholic.

I was baptized and took communion, even going to Catholic school on Saturdays (only this year did I learn my mother only agreed to this because it was either going on Saturdays, or Catholic School proper). Given my falling out, I think I dodged a bullet. I’m far too liberal in some respects: I believe in a woman’s right to choose, contraception, etc. When I saw how my father was ostracized after the divorce, I think that was the last straw. I’m aware of how far the Vatican has come since I was a teenager; hell, I’ve been impressed with Pope Francis.

When I’d started my descent back in the spring, a good friend recommended talking with God. I explained my views on the Church, and she pointed out the difference between religion and belief in a higher power. So one sunny afternoon in April, I walked into a United Church on the Danforth. I knelt on a pew and opened up. I cried; holy fuck, I cried. I asked if anyone was listening. Of course there wasn’t a verbal reply; hell, if I’d heard one I’d have thought I was going insane and would’ve checked myself into the hospital right then. But I did flip through a book of hymns and opened it to a random page. And it said:

When you call me, I’ve already answered
When you call me, I’m already there

No. Seriously.

So after that, I started talking with God again. One sided, but nightly. Before bed. Mostly about what had transpired that day, some hopes for the future, and to look after my friends and family.

I stopped a little while ago, when things really got dark. It just kind of… slipped away. And then there was the hospital. They had a service on the Wednesday, but I couldn’t get myself to go. I felt like it’d be bargaining.

It’s occurred to me that I should start again. I do think there’s more out there; some kind of unifying force, a presence… I dunno. Something. I’m not sure why I find it hard to talk to her/him. There’s a United Church in my neighbourhood that I keep thinking of going into. And while I’ve been waking up earlier on a daily basis, I still haven’t gone to a service on a Sunday. I actually wanted to go to one last Wednesday, as I’d seen there were services then as well, but when I passed by during the day, that sign had been taken down. So I’m not sure if that’s changed.

The church has always intimidated me. I need to turn that around.