The Bloody Doors Off

I’ve been staring at this screen for hours, and nothing.

On days like these, I usually recap my day. It keeps alive the promise I made to myself to blog/journal daily. I’ve been doing so for just over two months now, and there are days the words just flow from my fingertips.

Today. The cursor mocks me. The keys dare me to click on them. The screen begs for words, and I have none. Not of consequence.

Weather specialists say that today in Toronto, with the wind chill, it was so cold it was akin to a day on Mars. But with snow. I brushed off the back steps this afternoon when I got back from having coffee/a bite to eat with my brother Wayne.  We talked of many things, and I laughed and smiled when he told me that he ‘loves’ my friend Kate. She called me out on my shit on one of my posts the other day, and he said he could see just how solid our friendship was. Like her,  I have several friends who refuse to treat me with kid gloves during this period. It’s a good thing.

But then there are those moments that maybe you need kid gloves. Like, for a few seconds. And you get the unvarnished truth and it either sends you into a tailspin or it makes you Hulk out, emotionally. But the moment passes, and you reread (or properly listen to) what’s been said, and you see their point.

It’s great to have friends and family do that for you.

But as I sit here, with just the glow of the computer screen and television for light, I feel the same cold as is outside. Deep within. I can only wrap myself with blankets and tell myself it’ll be okay. But what I really need is a damned hug.

Weird post. Time to take pills and crawl into bed.

AKA why I am as I am.

Do you really want to continue reading? Then click the ‘more’…

(more…)

I have one.

1. Be kinder to myself.

Here’s hoping for a better 2014.

Okay, it’s a little cold. I wouldn’t call it frightful. And I’m bound and determined to go out in an hour to enjoy the new year.

So, here’s to a good 2014 for everyone.

Not surprisingly, I have an issue with this phrasing today. Not the sentiment behind it, but the wording.

Happy. Yes, I’d like to be happy. More than anything right now, I’d like to carve out the piece of my brain that refuses to behave in this manner and just be ‘happy’. But I know it’s not that simple. So the greeting ‘happy new year’ is frustrating. You’re wishing me to be positive and I appreciate that. But what I really need is ‘good’. A Good New Year. Because good things, like steady employment, an income stream, would go a long way to making things better, and in turn, allow me to focus on other aspects to get well. A Good New Year would find me feeling more socially positive as well. I wouldn’t feel more comfortable curled under a blanket staring at a television or computer screen; instead, I’d be out enjoying moments with friends, or various things the city has to offer.

Sadly, right now, it seems like it all comes back to needing a job. I’m under bankruptcy, so I have to pay out an additional $200 a month to the trustee to dispense amongst my creditors. I have to keep track of and report every cent I receive and spend each month; and this is ongoing until May or June. So I have to consider and reconsider every move I make, which a) depresses me, and b) ultimately prevents me from doing many social things I’d otherwise enjoy. Add to that the lack of money coming in presently, and even if I got on OW right now, it would barely cover rent. Forget about heat, internet (which I need for my business), television (to while away the hours when there’s nothing to do), groceries. Prescriptions.

So, right now, there’s really not much I see as a ‘happy’ 2014. And why I seriously need a better year ahead.

It’s not unusual to experience ups and downs. But in the space of hours?

My brother Kevin came over. Plan was for coffee, head out for a snack and catch a movie. But I couldn’t. It was too overwhelming today. He understood, and I appreciated that. But I still felt disappointed in myself. And there’s the problem. It becomes a vicious cycle; you’re down, you want to get back up but that disappointment just feeds into itself. So you sink a little lower. Which means you need to find a tactic to get back up again. And either it works, or it doesn’t.

So I took a 2 hour nap. No, I took a 2 hour lie down. I didn’t sleep, couldn’t sleep. Despite feeling worn out, tired to my bones. For the last half hour the cats came in and snuggled, and I listened to the landlord do a bit of construction up above.

Right now I’m back to even. Neither up nor down. Which is a decent enough space to be in, I suppose. I’m praying it lasts until a wind lifts me up and I can function.

Apparently this is my 100th blog post, and I should be celebrating.

Yeah right.

This is definitely the last post I link to Facebook for the foreseeable future. Because who wants to read this shit, anyway.

I refuse to celebrate. I can’t. I’m cracking inside. Trying to remain positive has taken up all my energy. I’ve got none left in the tank. And I can’t seem to do or say anything without it being questioned. Was it like this before, when things were good? Was I just oblivious to my surroundings? Or is this paranoia?

I don’t know.

I do know the pressure in my head is increasing again. Impossible to focus at times, difficulty remembering simple tasks. Pouring myself a cup of tea and leaving it to steep on the counter, only to remember I left it there 15 minutes later. I fly off the handle over trivial matters; I blow things out of proportion. I won’t get to see my doctor for another week. And I have to hold on for 10 days because of Second Career. I’ve got no income coming in and expenses to meet, so I can’t blow this. And yet I don’t think I have the inner strength to handle it.

Fucked if I do, fucked if I don’t.

I won’t go back in. It was too painful. Too many hours in the day now? Imagine spending it locked up.

Maybe I just need to be somewhere that no one can find me.

I would like to take a drill and insert it into my brain right now, just to relieve the pushing.

I’m hoping it’s weather-related, but I felt this way in October as well.

I’ve always put too much pressure on myself. It wasn’t always a bad thing. The drive to succeed, to be better, can be a positive motivator. But now, when I need to take things easier, to accept that change will take time and I can’t make changes overnight, that kind of pressure isn’t hard to let go of.

Here’s a prime example: last night I plugged in my phone to charge. Left it off because why leave it on? Today I had to remind myself — 5 times — to turn it on. Things slip my mind, and I don’t know if it’s a symptom of depression or bipolar (it probably is), and the weather doesn’t help.

Couldn’t motivate myself to go out and walk today. Won’t beat myself up about it, but it’s something I need to do daily. I need 2013 to be over. The pressure of this year’s been unbearable.

My cats are insane. I think they’re purposefully testing my limits.

Mels is the worst. She’s all ‘tude. She’ll get up on the kitchen counter, and even after a full blast of water to the face, she’ll stare at me with a look that says, “that all you got?”