The Bloody Doors Off

I have one.

1. Be kinder to myself.

Here’s hoping for a better 2014.

Okay, it’s a little cold. I wouldn’t call it frightful. And I’m bound and determined to go out in an hour to enjoy the new year.

So, here’s to a good 2014 for everyone.

Not surprisingly, I have an issue with this phrasing today. Not the sentiment behind it, but the wording.

Happy. Yes, I’d like to be happy. More than anything right now, I’d like to carve out the piece of my brain that refuses to behave in this manner and just be ‘happy’. But I know it’s not that simple. So the greeting ‘happy new year’ is frustrating. You’re wishing me to be positive and I appreciate that. But what I really need is ‘good’. A Good New Year. Because good things, like steady employment, an income stream, would go a long way to making things better, and in turn, allow me to focus on other aspects to get well. A Good New Year would find me feeling more socially positive as well. I wouldn’t feel more comfortable curled under a blanket staring at a television or computer screen; instead, I’d be out enjoying moments with friends, or various things the city has to offer.

Sadly, right now, it seems like it all comes back to needing a job. I’m under bankruptcy, so I have to pay out an additional $200 a month to the trustee to dispense amongst my creditors. I have to keep track of and report every cent I receive and spend each month; and this is ongoing until May or June. So I have to consider and reconsider every move I make, which a) depresses me, and b) ultimately prevents me from doing many social things I’d otherwise enjoy. Add to that the lack of money coming in presently, and even if I got on OW right now, it would barely cover rent. Forget about heat, internet (which I need for my business), television (to while away the hours when there’s nothing to do), groceries. Prescriptions.

So, right now, there’s really not much I see as a ‘happy’ 2014. And why I seriously need a better year ahead.

It’s not unusual to experience ups and downs. But in the space of hours?

My brother Kevin came over. Plan was for coffee, head out for a snack and catch a movie. But I couldn’t. It was too overwhelming today. He understood, and I appreciated that. But I still felt disappointed in myself. And there’s the problem. It becomes a vicious cycle; you’re down, you want to get back up but that disappointment just feeds into itself. So you sink a little lower. Which means you need to find a tactic to get back up again. And either it works, or it doesn’t.

So I took a 2 hour nap. No, I took a 2 hour lie down. I didn’t sleep, couldn’t sleep. Despite feeling worn out, tired to my bones. For the last half hour the cats came in and snuggled, and I listened to the landlord do a bit of construction up above.

Right now I’m back to even. Neither up nor down. Which is a decent enough space to be in, I suppose. I’m praying it lasts until a wind lifts me up and I can function.

Apparently this is my 100th blog post, and I should be celebrating.

Yeah right.

This is definitely the last post I link to Facebook for the foreseeable future. Because who wants to read this shit, anyway.

I refuse to celebrate. I can’t. I’m cracking inside. Trying to remain positive has taken up all my energy. I’ve got none left in the tank. And I can’t seem to do or say anything without it being questioned. Was it like this before, when things were good? Was I just oblivious to my surroundings? Or is this paranoia?

I don’t know.

I do know the pressure in my head is increasing again. Impossible to focus at times, difficulty remembering simple tasks. Pouring myself a cup of tea and leaving it to steep on the counter, only to remember I left it there 15 minutes later. I fly off the handle over trivial matters; I blow things out of proportion. I won’t get to see my doctor for another week. And I have to hold on for 10 days because of Second Career. I’ve got no income coming in and expenses to meet, so I can’t blow this. And yet I don’t think I have the inner strength to handle it.

Fucked if I do, fucked if I don’t.

I won’t go back in. It was too painful. Too many hours in the day now? Imagine spending it locked up.

Maybe I just need to be somewhere that no one can find me.

I would like to take a drill and insert it into my brain right now, just to relieve the pushing.

I’m hoping it’s weather-related, but I felt this way in October as well.

I’ve always put too much pressure on myself. It wasn’t always a bad thing. The drive to succeed, to be better, can be a positive motivator. But now, when I need to take things easier, to accept that change will take time and I can’t make changes overnight, that kind of pressure isn’t hard to let go of.

Here’s a prime example: last night I plugged in my phone to charge. Left it off because why leave it on? Today I had to remind myself — 5 times — to turn it on. Things slip my mind, and I don’t know if it’s a symptom of depression or bipolar (it probably is), and the weather doesn’t help.

Couldn’t motivate myself to go out and walk today. Won’t beat myself up about it, but it’s something I need to do daily. I need 2013 to be over. The pressure of this year’s been unbearable.

My cats are insane. I think they’re purposefully testing my limits.

Mels is the worst. She’s all ‘tude. She’ll get up on the kitchen counter, and even after a full blast of water to the face, she’ll stare at me with a look that says, “that all you got?”

I believe:

• 2013 has been the worst year of my life
• 2014 is unknowable
• My friends and family truly care for and love me
• In a higher power (but not religion)
• I’m capable of so much more

I hope:

• I have the strength to get through 2014
• Things will get better
• I’ll find a job, or get in a program that advances my skill set
• My family and friends know I love them

I fear:

• I haven’t hit bottom
• The worst is yet to come

Just got an email from the landlord. He was in to fix the heating in the roommate’s bedroom and noticed the electric heater. He asked me not to use it, because it increases the hydro (which is included in the rent). There’s no such provision in the lease, and I get why they’d like to keep the price down, but hey, I also have to pay for the gas on top of the rent, and given the lousy circulation in my hands and feet with the type 2 diabetes, the floor heater sometimes helps.

It’s set me on edge, kicked in my anxiety, got me in a tiny spiral.

That’s not the point of this ramble.

It’s this. “I haven’t been able to really handle things since October.”

But that’s a lie.

I’ve been cracking all year. The paranoia while weaning off of Pristiq in the winter months, the call to the distress centre in April, the meltdown on moving day. Cracks in the foundation. I just had it hammered down so tightly until October. On October 20th, the cap got blown off. What I thought were wilder mood swings are actually mood swings that aren’t being suppressed.

This is the unvarnished, stripped bare, me. I’m a fucking mess. And I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow.