The Bloody Doors Off

So I get a bunch of forms today I need to fill out for the job. Knew they were coming, glad to get them. Need to print them out because some have to be signed and witnessed. Then scanned and emailed back.

I’m out of toner.

And my scanner is busted.

Managed to replace the scanner, but no one open tonight had my toner. They had every other option for the manufacturer, just not mine.

And so much for that tiny cushion for the end of the month.

This better be the shoe dropping.

I’m waiting for the shoe to drop.

Seriously.

(more…)

I got the contract; even the hours I wanted (Monday-Friday). I’ll be working a couple of Saturdays off the top until they hire someone to do the shift, and yes that’s written into the contract. I start March 31st.

Now I need to draft my resignation letter to the other job.

‘Tis a bittersweet day.

These days I take nothing for granted. I’ve been humbled too many times over the past 18 months. I look at each opportunity with a squinted eye. A hitch in my breath. Maybe this time… Don’t put too much faith in it… For fuck’s sake, stop being cocky.

(more…)

This sums it up.

(Sorry, Kevin. Couldn’t resist.)

My interview for the six-month contract is tomorrow morning. Spoke with the recruiter again early this evening. Sounds like, if they like me, they could pull the trigger by the end of the week. Which means I’d have some juggling to do, given I have appointments all next week (in the mornings, thankfully). Technically, I’d only have to reschedule two of them to an earlier time.

I wasn’t nervous about it until now. I’d better pack my Lorazepam just in case. And muzzle Mels, so I can get some sleep. Damn, that cat is loud tonight.

It’s momentum. What I’ve been after for so long now. To get on the upswing, launch myself forward and get back on track. I’m trying not to put too much pressure on myself. Can’t self-sabotage.

Just be me. That’s the selling point, right? I’ve got the mad skills, which they’ve seen and read. Now I just need to convince them that I’m worth taking on.

I find it hard to de-stress. It balls up inside of me and takes root, and never really seems to go away. I manage it as best I can, but it’s an uphill battle. The last time I was able to relax, after A Song for Rachel was performed, I got incredibly sick. I’d willed myself to keep going, refusing to unwind, until after. And my body immediately attacks me for it.

It’s unhealthy in the long-term, I know. Hell, sometimes when I unwind, or find myself in a happy situation, the lack of stress can trigger an anxiety attack. And those ones are the most powerful. But if I don’t learn to let it go, even in small pieces, I’m going to break down again. And I’ll be right back where I started.

Today is a day I’d like to bottle up, or commit to permanent memory and ready to reply when I really need it.

• Interview on Tuesday for the 6-month contract. There were a pile of resumes, but my experience and portfolio got me to the next round.
• Walked up Yonge street from King to Bloor after picking up my prescription. Got to take the knit cap off and soaked up the sunshine.
• Email from a client looking for help. Generous timeline to get it done, not pressured to turn it overnight.
• Saw some fine sketch comedy with my friend Samantha.
• Took another walk on Bloor street, carefully avoiding the puddles along the way.

Okay, so there was a moment where the asshole sitting next to me on the crowded subway (heading to the sketch event) kept trying to hip check me off the 10% of the chair he hadn’t take up alongside his own, constantly pushing with his elbow while he read his paper, and then swung his backpack into my ribs as he left. (I had bad thoughts; didn’t act on them because then I wouldn’t pass the criminal background check next week.)

Now if I could just sleep.