The Bloody Doors Off

Mine? How do I choose?

The times I was too trusting and taken advantage of? Or the times I closed myself off to opportunities for fear of being taken advantage of?

Not fighting harder to keep a relationship alive? Fighting too hard and pushing them away?

Binge drinking?

The thing about mistakes is, we’re supposed to learn from them. They can be teachable moments that help us evolve. But how often do we see it that way?

I beat myself up a lot for my mistakes, and don’t give myself enough credit for when I get something right.

How do I answer this question?

How do you?

Tonight I think of absent friends. Those I’ve lost through death, and anger, distance and disinterest (either yours or my own). And I know, I’m poorer for losing you.

So I get a bunch of forms today I need to fill out for the job. Knew they were coming, glad to get them. Need to print them out because some have to be signed and witnessed. Then scanned and emailed back.

I’m out of toner.

And my scanner is busted.

Managed to replace the scanner, but no one open tonight had my toner. They had every other option for the manufacturer, just not mine.

And so much for that tiny cushion for the end of the month.

This better be the shoe dropping.

I’m waiting for the shoe to drop.

Seriously.

(more…)

I got the contract; even the hours I wanted (Monday-Friday). I’ll be working a couple of Saturdays off the top until they hire someone to do the shift, and yes that’s written into the contract. I start March 31st.

Now I need to draft my resignation letter to the other job.

‘Tis a bittersweet day.

These days I take nothing for granted. I’ve been humbled too many times over the past 18 months. I look at each opportunity with a squinted eye. A hitch in my breath. Maybe this time… Don’t put too much faith in it… For fuck’s sake, stop being cocky.

(more…)

This sums it up.

(Sorry, Kevin. Couldn’t resist.)

My interview for the six-month contract is tomorrow morning. Spoke with the recruiter again early this evening. Sounds like, if they like me, they could pull the trigger by the end of the week. Which means I’d have some juggling to do, given I have appointments all next week (in the mornings, thankfully). Technically, I’d only have to reschedule two of them to an earlier time.

I wasn’t nervous about it until now. I’d better pack my Lorazepam just in case. And muzzle Mels, so I can get some sleep. Damn, that cat is loud tonight.

It’s momentum. What I’ve been after for so long now. To get on the upswing, launch myself forward and get back on track. I’m trying not to put too much pressure on myself. Can’t self-sabotage.

Just be me. That’s the selling point, right? I’ve got the mad skills, which they’ve seen and read. Now I just need to convince them that I’m worth taking on.

I find it hard to de-stress. It balls up inside of me and takes root, and never really seems to go away. I manage it as best I can, but it’s an uphill battle. The last time I was able to relax, after A Song for Rachel was performed, I got incredibly sick. I’d willed myself to keep going, refusing to unwind, until after. And my body immediately attacks me for it.

It’s unhealthy in the long-term, I know. Hell, sometimes when I unwind, or find myself in a happy situation, the lack of stress can trigger an anxiety attack. And those ones are the most powerful. But if I don’t learn to let it go, even in small pieces, I’m going to break down again. And I’ll be right back where I started.