What the fuck am I even doing here?
So I just did something I’d been contemplating for over a month but was always in panic mode when wanting to do it.
I booked a vacation. One week, Veradero, Cuba. Last week in January.
And not one panic attack the entire time.
Because dammit, I think I need this.
It’s January 1st and I’ve done absolutely nothing today.
That’s not true. I shaved.
And had my second anxiety attack of 2015.
Goddammit.
They’ve been getting more frequent lately. Mostly when I contemplate my future, making plans. I can name a dozen reasons in favor of something, but it only takes one negative to light the flare of a bright red panic attack.
I’m in danger of hermiting this winter. (Same as last year, now that I think of it.)
And I’m horrible about this but I’m trying to break this bad habit so. I’m asking my friends to keep on top of me. Invite me out to shit. Coffee would be a plus. Or a movie. Help reignite my spark for 2015. Please.
I need a partner in crime. A squirrel to my moose. Any takers?
Found them in a song.
All I’ve got for tonight, but it’s something.
Wow, I really sloughed off in early fall.
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 6,300 times in 2014. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 5 trips to carry that many people.
There was something specific I was going to write about tonight. Even had a title.
It’s gone now. Maybe it’ll come back.
That’s the thing about (my) memory. The stuff you want to remember slips easily into the background, while the stuff you’d prefer to forget is front and center. And I’m so tired of that shit. I do not like living in the past; it’s a wasteland of lost opportunity and 20-20 hindsight. My choices got me to this place, and I need to make the best possible moves for my future.
So why am I so afraid? No, seriously. Fear. It lives in me. I worry about making the right decision and get so wrapped up in the ‘what ifs’ that nothing gets done. Well that’s not entirely true. Laundry got done today. That’s pretty much auto pilot though.
Dammit I’m so tired of feeling scared. Never used to be that way; even in the worst of my depression I didn’t feel this. And I can pinpoint it to 14 months ago. Even now that moment haunts me.
It’s a ghost I can’t shake. Like the poltergeist in the apartment tonight. There was knocking behind me; even the cats heard it and reacted. But with my luck it was a replay of Interstellar. (If you’ve seen the movie, you’ll get the reference).
Too many damned ghosts. Anyone got a Scooby snack?
p.s. I chose this song tonight because it’s a legitimate question for me right now.
I suffer from depression. This is not new. I’m currently in a downswing; this is not new. That I find myself asking myself if I’m okay, that’s me managing the depression. Again, not a surprise.
The answer is always the same. “No.” Or my favorite, “shut up, Steve”. (Kudos to anyone who remembers the old commercial: “What else does the box say?” “It says ‘shut up, Steve’.”)
But lately I’ve added the following: “Yeah, but some day that answer might change.”
I’m trying.
Just like I actually opened my blog and wrote this tonight.
I’m trying.
Maybe I stayed in tonight and watched Gone Girl and The 100-Foot Journey, instead of going out to a film. But I did get out and ran errands, plus skyped my brother and his kids, and then my mom.
I’m trying.
I don’t know where I’m going with this.
But I’m trying.
Therefore, I have to rediscover mine. Because I’m tired of feeling this way.
Envisioning:
1) A new place to live, above ground
2) Better working hours
3) Start writing again, even if it’s just daily crap in this blog (it’s a start)
4) Maybe an improv class, to shake off the rust and rebuild my confidence
5) Rediscover myself.
Of the blog. I need to get back to this. It really helps to clear my mind of the scar tissue that builds up. Even if it’s only bitching about stuff. At least it gets out of my head where it can do more damage by stewing in its own juices.
On a related note. I need to move out of the basement. It’s clearly not helping any longer. Especially after the latest flood from above. Any time I hear running water, I cringe. And there just isn’t any room. If the main floor is the same size as this, that’s not going to help. Nope, a new space is needed. I’ve got a budget, and now that they’ve settled my deductible for Trillium, I know how my monthly expenses will shake out for the next 10 months. If anyone knows of a place, let me know. I’m putting it out to the universe; here’s hoping it answers back.
A year ago today I was in crisis and admitted myself to Toronto East General’s H-Wing.
To say it’s on my mind today is an understatement. Gonna be one hell of a day to get through. And the weather’s not helping.
I suspect the next couple of days are going to be a struggle, but hopefully minor ones.
Wish me luck.
The Bloody Doors Off 