• Friends of mine are moving this week. It prompted me to comment about my harrowing times, moving from location to location. Marlo reminded me that I had moved into the condo with no issues. And that’s true. I’d done a significant amount of downsizing, including the day of the move. There were no issues with picking up the truck. The only hiccup was getting to my new home a bit later than planned, and I think we had to pay a small fee for the weekend supervisor to wait for us.

    But I could be wrong about the fine.

    Moving into … shit I can’t remember the street name, but I was just off Pape Avenue in Greektown. I’d hired movers (it was a weekday move and no one was available to help).

    Onto Greenwood Avenue, however. That was the worst move. Ever.

    As a final ‘fuck you’ (because I took them to the Landlord Tenant Board and quashed their eviction attempt, then gave 60 days notice), the Supervisor double-booked the moving elevator.

    Gowan Avenue. Yeah. The new landlord pulled every trick to force tenants out so they could ‘renovate’ the apartment and rent it out for significantly more money. Times were tough. I was between contracts. Money was extremely tight. I paid the rent late twice over several months. Both times they tried to evict me. The first time they accepted my late payment with that fucking service fee. But not the second time.

    So yeah.

    I was moving from Gowan onto Greenwood with a guy I knew.

    Boyfriend of a friend.

    But he became an ex-boyfriend.

    I’ll circle back to him.

    We had to share the elevator with the other person who’d scheduled their move out at the same time. That took us two or three times as long to load the truck. When we’d gotten to Greenwood, the truck wouldn’t fit in the narrow driveway, so we had to park on the street. On a Saturday afternoon. At the end of June.

    That took a while.

    Oh, and the stairs down to the basement apartment are a bit narrow. Most stuff you can clear easily, but a couch and mattress and box spring, not so much. And the kitchen island is just on the other side of the door.

    The apartment had its charms. It got sunlight even though it was one-half below ground. The two bedrooms were large; I took the smaller of the two and still managed to fit my queen bed, dresser and nightstand. The living room was a decent size.

    The fridge was small. That would cause a few conflicts over shelf space, with more than one roommate.

    My computer desk fit perfectly against the east wall. And I had a metal shelving unit that acted as a small pantry.

    Why am I giving you a guided tour?

    Right. So in the middle of unloading the truck, I get hit with an anxiety attack.

    Fortunately, I have lorazepam.

    Unfortunately they were packed up and I couldn’t find them.

    So the panic that I might’ve left them back at the apartment slammed into me.

    And that’s when I knew moving in with Ian was a huge mistake.

    But I’d already committed. We co-signed a 12 month lease. The moving truck was parked on the fucking street, half empty because half of the contents were already in the new apartment.

    Ian had a drinking problem.

    There was always beer in the apartment. Warm beer. In his room. Because I’d told him I wasn’t comfortable with alcohol in the house. This was 2013 and I was feeling shaky (In three months I’d be in a 72-hour hold on a Form One at Toronto East General Hospital). So he’d spend a fair amount of time in his room, drinking. Occasionally he’d come out, can in hand, either to grab food or chat. And fall asleep in the chair.

    So all these memories come flooding back because Maddy, Marlo and I were talking about an upcoming move.

    And I think to myself, I want to write about this.

    And I thought.

    No. That’s boring as shit.

    But then I realized why I instinctively knew it was a bad idea to move in with Ian.

    He reminded me of my father. And the time, he, Kevin and I shared a split-level townhouse.

    Maybe I’ll write about that some time.

  • The denture powder kinda works.

    It holds the top plate in place for a good 6-8 hours, but eventually loses cohesion, and requires more powder.

    Which means I should carry it with me, or pre-dust before going out for dinner.

    Yep, I’m that vain.

    Can’t stand the idea of a denture slip as I’m politely, slowly, jawing my food. (It’s not pretty to start with.)

    You ever see a dog eat peanut butter?

    I joke. I kid.

    I use deprecating humour as a defence mechanism.

    I make fun of me so you don’t have to.

    Which stems from childhood, I’d imagine.

    Chonky kid, divorced parents, not the best self-esteem.

    Lemme set this straight, right now. This isn’t a pity post. I’m not looking for sympathy.

    Nor am I looking for advice. I have a psychiatrist.

    I’m just working shit out. Which happens to be in my blog.

    That I’m willing to share.

    Making this public forces me to be honest with myself. The truth is easier to remember than a lie. (I hate the truth will set you free. Confess a murder, they ain’t gonna let you walk out of the police station.)

    I also know. I don’t tend to revisit specific past events after I’ve written about them.

    It still exists. If I want to remember, I’ll rifle through past posts.

    Maybe I should reconsider my naming conventions.

  • That came into my head.

    5 minutes ago.

    I was fucking narrating myself like I was the subject of a documentary.

    Only they couldn’t afford Morgan Freeman for voice overs.

    Andrew “Dice” Clay did it for fifty bucks and a pack of smokes.

    How much is a pack of smokes, anyway?

    I haven’t bought any since October 2013.

    October can be a difficult month.

    Add Covid and stir.

    But.

    There is a way I can keep Harold from interfering.

    Do things.

    Not “keep myself distracted” because that never works.

    Burying trauma is never good.

    Can I use that word?

    That’s the first time I’ve thought of it this way.

    I’m not comparing myself to anyone else. But what I went through back then was traumatizing. It shook me at my core. It triggered my worst bipolar episode.

    / tangent

    Do things.

    Make plans. Reconnect with friends.

    Walk the dog on the regular.

    Write.

    Right.

    Write.

    What I’m doing here has purpose.

    I’m telling my story.

    p.s. I ate the pudding.

  • I’ve reached the age where I have More Than Enough UnderwearTM. If one gets a hole in the seat, into the trash it goes. Haven’t done laundry in weeks? You’re good a few more days.

    What I seem to never have enough of. Is socks.

    I have plenty of dress socks. I had to downsize my winter knits when I found my latest pair of boots. (Oh boy, they’re warm and water-resistant. And they don’t hurt my feet.)

    But crew socks.

    Those get sucked into the vortex, never to return.

    Why am I telling you this?

    I think I’m lonely.

    Don’t get me wrong. I love my wife and the boy, and am happy that she and I have strengthened our bond over the pandemic (you live with someone 24/7 without a filter for over a year, you’re going one of two directions; and we made it to the Good Place). But I miss hanging out with my friends.

    I miss the days when a bunch of us hung out at the first iteration of Tequila Bookworm, almost every night, until closing. Drinking coffee. Eating pie.

    The conversations we’d have. Some truly mind bending.

    Had my heart broken there.

    Hadn’t thought of that in a long time.

    It still kinda stings. A blindside, but maybe only to me.

    Still loved the Bookworm. Nothing could tarnish that place.

    Until they moved a few doors down and started catering to the hipster crowd. A favourite hangout where we could philosophize ad nausea, where I’d written the first draft (by hand) of my second play. I get why they changed. They catered to a market. Which sadly, was no longer us.

    But my point. And I do have one.

    I miss those kind of group hangs. The Council of GuysTM (me, Scott, Sam) meet usually once a month on Zoom and shot the shit for an hour. I saw Mollie recently and we went to a movie. And Maddy is in our Covid bubble (as is my brother Kevin, and I’m gonna get to see Wayne, Donna and Larry on Friday).

    Last month, five of us met up at a Danforth pub to celebrate Maddy’s birthday. I swear, I’d forgotten how to act in public. And then there’s the no salt/pepper on the table, use an app to scan the menu, ketchup now comes in packets.

    But once a month isn’t enough. I know things can’t go back to the before times, but I’d really like enough normalcy that we can greet each other without masks on. Which ain’t gonna happen unless the Covidiots get vaccinated.

    And we know that ain’t gonna happen.

    So I gotta to accept it.

    This is the new normal.

  • We do paper ballots, still.

    Marked with a pencil.

    How twentieth century.

    I want a QR code that is built specifically to your profile. You scan it, the list of candidates pops up and you click on your choice. (I was gonna say your favourite, but let’s face it, no one really likes politicians.)

    Hey if they can do it for contact tracing at restaurants.

    But hey. I voted.

    I consider it a responsibility.

    And if my candidate loses, and he might (although this used to be an NDP stronghold until two plus years ago), I can take solace knowing one of those votes were for him. That I tried to elect someone to speak for me. (Politicians don’t really speak for us. They speak TO us, tell us what we want to hear. Then go off and do. Whatever.)

    Yeah, I’m not jaded.

    If anyone ever asks why I don’t run for political office.

    Have you read my blog?

    Meh. Maybe the honesty would be a refreshing change.

    Oh god. I’m channelling that Warren Beatty movie.

    Bulworth.

    Wow. From paper ballots to a terrible, wretched cinematic experience in under 10 minutes.

    Watching the election returns tonight is gonna be.

    Cosmic.

    Comical. I meant comical.

    Oh my.

    William Shatner is releasing a spoken-word album on Friday.

    I wonder if he can top Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds.

  • Okay. So.

    We are implementing some great ideas to save money.

    As most families do.

    And Marlo has a terrific suggestion of how we can cut our grocery bill by ordering less from Instacart (solely because it’s easy) and actually walking the aisles in a store and buy the pantry stuff and cheese while looking for deals? Instacart doesn’t give you a discount on your order if they find it on sale.

    One of the staples, milk, we don’t hesitate to have delivered. We order 4 4L bags (1% and 2% lactose-free) and 4 2L Fairlife Chocolate Milk bottles twice a week. Economically, we’ll pay the delivery fee and tip. The stuff we don’t need right away? Let’s use our PC points.

    But here come these fucking cravings again. This time, trussed up in rope, sprinkled with ginger and called Pancake Betty, it’s a struggle not to click ‘add to cart’ for pudding.

    Yes.

    Pudding.

    Which I can do without, thankyouverymuch.

    My endocrinologist would agree with that last sentence.

    It’s want versus need.

    I don’t need pudding.

    Hey.

    Stop smirking.

    I’m being serious.

    This isn’t a Doritos commercial.

    Oh my god. Doritos is in the dictionary attached to this blog. It wasn’t flagged.

    I should get advertising revenue for mentioning their brand.

    Twice.

    They say if you look in an empty Doritos bag and say “I need those!” five times.

    You’re a fucking idiot.

  • All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
    I like watching the puddles gather rain
    And all I can do
    Is just pour some tea for two
    And speak my point of view
    But it’s not sane
    It’s not sane

    No Rain, Blind Melon

    For reasons, Marlo and I have the condo to ourselves tonight.

    So.

    Good night, moon.

  • Even through the darkest phase
    Be it thick or thin
    Always someone marches brave
    Here beneath my skin

    And constant craving
    Has always been

    Constant Craving, k.d. lang

    What’s the difference between ‘want’ and ‘need’?

    Aside from the obvious.

    I want to go to the beach.

    I need oxygen to survive.

    I’ve got a craving.

    We all have them.

    And I’m wondering if this is just a want, or a need.

    Wants are easy to deal with.

    I want to go to the beach. But I have to work this weekend.

    I need oxygen to survive. Pretty definitive. No buts or howevers are gonna get through that net.

    I can deal with need.

    Nah. Pretty sure it’s a want.

  • Last night’s post suggested that my drinking problem started with the Incident in HamiltonTM.

    No, my father and his parents were alcoholics. I never met my grandmother; she died before I was born.

    So the genes had definitely been passed down.

    And beer tasted good.

    Whisky burned just fine.

    I never could get into wine.

    Oh god, never ask me to bring wine to your dinner.

    I’ll have an anxiety attack between the Chilean and Australian sections.

    I have no idea the difference between a chiraz, pinot noir, yada yada.

    Was never interested in taking a winery tour.

    (The Guinness factory tour in Dublin was amazing. And that redhead with the Irish lilt who guided our tour.)

    Yeah.

    I was talking about wine.

    My sistah-from-another-mistah Trish could tell me.

    She knows her wine.

    Nah. I wanna talk about Dublin.

    Fucking beautiful city. The cobblestone roads in the main part of town. The people.

    I nearly did improv in Dublin.

    My friend John, who’d moved there a few years earlier, said he could get us stage time at an improv club.

    Three days earlier. I was in the airport. Waiting.

    And waiting.

    And waiting.

    Our plane had been delayed several times and then there was a mechanical issue to address.

    Fact of flying. Sometimes you get delayed.

    But when you’re a smoker. Already five hours without a cigarette. Because you’ve already passed through all the checkpoints, and expected to board the flight within the hour.

    Facing a 12 hour flight.

    The funny thing.

    The entire flight I was fine.

    Not a single craving.

    Didn’t need to sublimate.

    The moment I retrieved my backpack?

    Ah, the sweet taste of tobacco.

    Found the hostel easily enough. A bit of a climb on the main road.

    Thankfully my kit fit the locker provided.

    Three days I explored different parts of the city, soaking in the culture.

    I was to hop a train to London on Friday. Three days there, and then a week in Amsterdam.

    John and I took in stand-up comedy the third night. That’s when he suggested doing the improv set.

    Yes and.

    And it hit me. A feeling of dread.

    I told John I had to leave and we’d talk in the morning.

    Got back to my room. Tacked to the door was a note:

    Paul Koster, please call home.

    I tried the office first.

    Suzi wasn’t there.

    She wasn’t at the apartment we shared.

    Finally reached her at her parents’ home.

    Her father was dying. He’d been sick with cancer, and taken a turn for the worse. They didn’t think he’d make it past the weekend.

    Before she could ask me to come home, I’d told her I was cancelling the rest of my trip.

    I was booked on Aer Lingus to Heathrow that morning on their first flight of 11 am. I had to make my way through the international terminal — a thing of beauty, a shame I couldn’t take the time to shop — to catch my connection with British Airways. My seat was in the back row.

    I made it home.

    I made it in time.

    I promised I’d go back someday.

    Complete the original trip.

    Maybe even try to join a local improv troupe, bicycle through Amsterdam.

    This is another thing that I must let go of.

    I am not a young man. I couldn’t spend two weeks in hostels, voraciously guarding my CPAP.

    And that was the old me.

    It might not’ve sounded like it, but I did find enjoyment at the cottage. The problem, okay problems, were: it was too fucking hot and it took me three days to just bloody relax.

    We’re planning to take a couple of days in December. It’ll be less of a culture shock this time, and I do love a healthy hearth.

    I don’t need Amsterdam. If, at some time in the future, Marlo suggests a trip abroad, I’d be happy to talk about it.

    Why would I want to get away, when everything I want is here?

  • Doc Sugarman recommended a Poligrip powder for my top plate.

    Finally got it yesterday.

    Tried it today.

    The plate stayed in, through breakfast and lunch, right into the middle of dinner.

    When it dislodged.

    So yeah. If I’m ever gonna eat in public.

    I’ll have to work on that.

    Can’t believe how self-conscious I am of this.

    I’ve dropped my pants in an improv scene.

    In front of a capacity audience.

    (I wore boxer briefs.)

    I’m an exhibitionist, fer jeebus’ sake.

    (Except when I’m not. I can also be very shy.)

    What is it about my teeth?

    For years I’ve dreamt of crumbling teeth.

    Prescient?

    I am somewhat psychic.

    I felt the events of 9/11 four days before it occurred.

    My ex-girlfriend will vouch on that.

    I knew my grandfather (dad’s side) would pass hours before we got the call from hospital.

    I dreamt Allison and I would have an argument at my friends Doug and Kim’s wedding.

    And the reason for that fight was dead on.

    Too bad I never saw the high school prank coming.

    But I don’t feel like talking about that tonight.

    Okay, Cole’s Notes (or Cliff Notes if you’re American).

    I wanted to fit in with the drama kids.

    I was a legacy. My brother Wayne was in the golden age of Cedarbrae’s Drama Club.

    So I’d pretend that I drank at parties.

    Dumb ass shit.

    So at the Sear’s Drama Festival, a few of them decided to play a prank.

    Offered me orange juice.

    Told me it was spiked with acid.

    And waited to see how I’d react.

    If I’d act stoned.

    Which I did not.

    Finally one of the seniors burst into the room. Having heard of the prank, they came to rescue me and admonish those responsible. I think they threatened to tell our teacher.

    I took off.

    Found a place to hide in the hotel.

    Stayed hidden for two hours.

    While they frantically searched for me.

    It ended in tears.

    Apologies were made and accepted.

    I learned a lesson.

    If you’re gonna act drunk, you might as well get drunk.

    The end.