Today is brutal. That I’m writing about it right now is a marvel. Yesterday was bad, but I kicked my ass hard enough to go out later that night to join Mollie at the casino in Niagara Falls. It’s a run we’ve done in the past, and always had a good time. But last night.…

This week’s been  punishing. Work had the hammer down with projects, and I still had problems processing. Friday was the worst; once the network went down for maintenance it screwed up my system completely (apparently all the desktops are linked so well with the networks that simple programs take five times as long to process…

Trying to decide what constitutes ‘joy’, as in trying to find a bit of joy in each day to keep me from sinking lower into depression. So far, not a clue.

I spent 2 hours out walking on Sunday. It was a perfect summer day with blue sky, sunshine, a great breeze and not too damned hot. It took almost that long to discover the joy in it. A perfect fucking summer day and it was pretty much lost on me. I’ve lost the joy in…

There’s a part of me that likes to be busy. But being too busy, and not enjoying what you’re doing, lethal combination. I used to love this work. Now it gives me anxiety on a daily basis. Has the job changed, or have I? Last night I suffered a brutal moment when I realized I…

I’m on a downward swing; finally realized it earlier tonight. Been fighting the current for days (if not over a week) and it’s threatening to dash me against the rocks. And I’ve said before, I shouldn’t swim against it and instead use it to my advantage. But fuck, how do I ride a depressive episode…

Today was a wash. Started with hope, got laundry done and ran an errand. But the weather permeated and rain clouds became metaphoric. It took more energy than I thought to get out to my uncle’s 75th birthday. I was overwhelmed. Hate that it still happens. Used to be good in group settings; now I…

I’d make a lousy supervillain. Supervillains have plans and they follow through and rage and shit. Me, I’d forget the key component to the doomsday plan. Hell, my fart gun would backfire. Today I forgot not only my work pass, but my wallet as well. Let that sink in a second. I got all the…

I used to think I could just adapt, go with the flow. Lately, it’s been the opposite, and I don’t know why. I get my back up, my anxiety kicks in, legs go akimbo. It sucks. I’m beginning to wonder if I’m suited for this line of work. And then I realize, yes I’m good…

At least I’m realizing that I’m not at my best these past couple of weeks. Just wish I understood why. Had ample time to write yesterday and didn’t. Took a small amount of effort to do so now. Change is gonna come. I can feel it crawling over my skin. Change is coming. I’m trying…