The Bloody Doors Off

I will stare into the sun until its light doesn’t blind me
I will walk unto the fire until its heat doesn’t burn me
And I will feed the fire

Into the Fire, Sarah Mclachlan

Today was a good day. I woke up far too early but there was no overwhelming dread. I played scrabble with my brother Kevin (beat him two out of three) and motivated myself to travel to the pharmacy to pick up prescriptions and a few sundries.

I couldn’t decide on toothpaste.

The anxiety was palpable. I literally froze. For how long I don’t know.

But I got past it. By the time I’d boarded the streetcar for home, the moment was resolved.

I’m back to feeling good.

Until the memory of the attack flashes across my eyes. And I spiral because I had a meltdown over the stupidest fucking thing who can’t choose a goddamned toothpaste does it whiten? is tartar control better? So many fucking choices and I’ve got significantly less teeth to take care of now and I want to prevent losing more than the one that’ll probably be done in six months. And the Christmas Market Winter Market starts up tonight and traffic is gonna be a nightmare for over a month and I’ll need to carry I.D. in order to walk Auggie through the Distillery.

And I’m going to be fine. Recognize the trigger and breathe through it.

Of course I’m going to be fine.

I bought the fucking toothpaste.