The Bloody Doors Off

And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack
And you may find yourself in another part of the world
And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife
And you may ask yourself, “Well… how did I get here?”

Once in a Lifetime, Talking Heads

bipolar [ bahy-poh-ler ]

adjective

1. having two poles, as the earth.

2. of, relating to, or found at both polar regions.

3. characterized by opposite extremes, as two conflicting political philosophies.

4. Electronics. of or relating to a transistor that uses both positive and negative charge carriers.

5. Psychiatry. of, relating to, or having bipolar disorder:

bipolar disorder

an affective disorder characterized by periods of mania alternating with periods of depression, usually interspersed with relatively long intervals of normal mood

Just so we’re on the same page.

My mania, when it manifests, is usually laser-focused on something. Something I want, or can’t have (or can have, but would take money and/or time).

Today it was on a stupid television channel.

Specifically.

SportsNet One.

I’m not a sports guy. Let me dissuade you of that notion. There are only two teams I give a damn about and will watch when they are on television: the Toronto Blue Jays, and the New Orleans Saints. And it’s just them; I don’t have any pressing need to watch any other teams play baseball or football.

I’ve tried to get into golf, and I don’t mind actually swinging a club, but it’s hard for me to watch.

No hockey. Don’t really care about basketball.

Another way I’m the exact opposite of my family. They LOVE sports. Whenever we visited mum and Larry in Sutton, we’d spend part of the day on their deck outside their lovely trailer home, but the game would be on the TV and someone was always popping inside to catch the score. Sometimes we would just watch the game before going out onto the porch.

(Good memories. I need to hold onto those.)

Anyway.

SportsNet One. See, I thought that was included in our cable package. It’s very basic with 14 flex channels. I’d chosen SportsNet as a flex channel and for months I had SportsNet One. But June 1st rolled around, and the what turned out to be free preview was over.

Sidebar.

Giving up premium cable was a huge adjustment for me. I’d been brought up on television. There are pictures of me with my nose practically to the glass. Up until I moved in with Marlo, I had ALL the stations.

I detoxed hard when we cut back.

But now, I can say I don’t miss it so much. We have Netflix and Prime Video (which Marlo says we should get rid of and every time I’m about to agree, they upload something amazing to watch and I crumble) and Disney + (which is a worthwhile investment for me, a comic book nerd who grew up on Marvel Comics). I pretty much have a morning routine of checking the websites and the news before hopping onto Let’s Make a Deal and The Price is Right. (Oh god, I’ve become my mother.) I keep up on the news in the afternoon, and there’s the original Law & Order at 5pm.

So when you type it on the screen, you realize is still a lot.

But there’s one thing that would make this oldish fart happy and that’s to watch the Blue Jays.

But they’re on SportsNet One. And while I get SportsNet East, West & Pacific, I don’t get the one channel I really want.

So then I spend an afternoon hyper-focusing on it. I go from outrage (“How dare they take the channel away!”), fury (“Seven bucks?! They want seven dollars for one channel?”), to bargaining (“I’d be happy to pay for the extra channel”) to depression (“I can’t in good conscience even consider asking, because we already carry too much”)

The upside of tonight is.

I think I’ve finally hit acceptance.

Which is huge.

Enormous.

I can’t begin to tell you.

Usually, when I hyper-focus, I have to do something about it, or it’ll consume me.

A few years back, I was passing by the Bus Terminal when I got hit with the powerful need to go to Fallsview Casino. It did not abate until I was on the Greyhound to Niagara Falls some hours later. And I didn’t go with my friend Mollie (with whom I generally make the trip once or twice a year). Didn’t even call her. I had to obey the need to be in that physical place, and play a few hands of Blackjack.

I can rationalize a shit ton when I’m manic.

What I struggle to do, is break out of the cycle without doing some kind of damage.

And you may think forking over seven dollars is inconsequential, that’s not the entire point. It’s that I lock into a manic episode and can’t escape unless I satisfy the need; scratch that itch.

The writer checks TheScore web app on his phone. There’s no score, bottom of the first.