The Bloody Doors Off

That song.

In my head.

That, of course, you can’t hear.

It won’t stop.

It’s on a loop.

Only I don’t really remember the words. Just the first line of the chorus.

This one.

I’m 54 years old. (I had to do the math.)

I’m an adult now.

I mean sure, when I was in my 20s I felt great because I was legal. Which I mistook for being an adult.

In my 30s, well I was just starting to come into my own. I’d been painfully shy when it came to meeting women. Fear of rejection, maybe.

That changed in my 30s.

Thanks to Suzi.

I don’t think I’d ever told her. The night before the Christmas party? I knew we were gonna hook up. I think that gave me the cojones to act on my attraction to you and make that ridiculous suggestion in that room under the O’Keefe Centre.

I’ll never forget that kiss.

We made it two years. I went into a major depressive episode that ended up pushing her away. By the time I’d found my way home, she’d moved on.

From my mid-ish thirties to my late forties, I was a teenager again. I was dating (thanks for the reminders Facebook Memories), in a couple of brief, though satisfying, relationships.

Now I’m in my 50s.

I’ll never forget Marlo’s and my first kiss.

We’re coming up on our (oh shit, think, Koster) 4 year anniversary.

And I’m a father to a very much 13-year old. (I don’t believe in the ‘step’ part, I’m just not the bio-dad).

I had a work conversation today with a new potential client that could get me more work each month.

I’m thinking about the future.

The future.

Like I really hadn’t. Before.

Which can’t be right.

Even if it feels like it is.

Oh yeah. I’m also in the middle of rehearsals for Last Call. I’m directing. I’m directing my peers. I feel such a responsibility, it nearly paralyzes me.

I’ve asked all the actors what their vision of the characters were.

I need to shape my vision of how it’s gonna look.

And all of this just says to me:

I’m an adult now.