The Bloody Doors Off

Something I’ve discovered about being bi-polar, is I sometimes am overcome with a need to do things that could be considered self-destructive.

Most recently, this presented itself as a gambling run at the casinos in Niagara Falls.

It started, well, as it always does. A scratch in the back of the head. An idea. ‘Hey, wouldn’t it be fun if…?’ Now, I have certain rules when it comes to heading to the casino. A checklist, really. First, it’s no fun unless I go with my friend Mollie. We treat it as a good time first and foremost. We don’t go with the expressed idea that we’re going to win (although she usually does). We go to have a laugh. So if she’s not available, or she doesn’t think it’s a good night to go, then we don’t. But on Thursday she was still in Vancouver on business, and that was a clear sign I shouldn’t go.

Second, I’m not working, therefore I can’t really afford to lose money. You need to be prepared to lose money when going to the casino, and always plan on just how much you can afford to lose. But I found a justification for it, flimsy as it was. I’d simply take less. And I’d arrive as late as possible, and leave early, limiting the amount of time I was to gamble.

But then the real stumbling block hit. I had an appointment at 10am the next morning to return a loaner CPAP machine, and a noon appointment with the doctor to discuss the feedback from the device. Even if I got back to Toronto at 7am, I wouldn’t get home until 8 and maybe I’d get an hour nap before having to head out the door, and have to kill 2 hours in-between. Exhaustion was the least of my problems.

So the only responsible decision was to not go to the casino.

But that’s the problem with being bi-polar. You’re not always thinking responsibly.

Sure enough, at 10pm I was out the door and on my way downtown to catch the bus to Niagara Falls. I got there just before 1am, and took a cab to Casino Niagara (the bus no longer goes straight to the casino). I found the Blackjack Switch table, and spent just under two hours there. Surprisingly, I was up around $100 for most of the time, only hitting a cold streak at the end, leaving me $30 down when they closed the table. As there wasn’t any other tables worth playing, I cashed in and bundled up, taking a good half-hour walk to Fallsview. There I found a $5 blackjack table, no frills, and found my groove. I even had a good luck charm at the table; a woman who’d originally planned to be at Casino Rama but had missed her bus and ended up at Fallsview instead. Again, I was up more than a $100, but started to cool a bit. I’d put a limit on play of 4:15am, and when that hit I stepped away, this time $60 up. I admit I was tempted to blow off the 4:55am bus and continue, but by this point I was feeling in control again. Plus, as I usually tend not to win at the tables, I took this as a sign to quit while I was ahead.

Another cab ride back to the bus terminal, and I was on the road again by 5am back to Toronto. When I got home, I called the CPAP clinic and rescheduled for noon and caught a two hour nap.

There is no moral to this story. I know that I should’ve called someone and asked them to convince me not to go. But as always, I didn’t want to burned another person with my problems,

I ignored my base instincts, I lost the fight against the part of me that knew not to do harm. Thankfully I escaped any lasting damage this time.

The only problem is, I know there’s going to be a next time. And that scares me.