The Bloody Doors Off

I feel like a fraud, sitting for hours at work doing nothing. It’s the slow season (i.e. summer) in banking. Nothing new to me. But for some reason this time it’s hitting me like a ton of bricks. Like they might realize extending the contract is costing them more money than it’s bringing in. I know, it’s stupid. But that’s where I am. It’ll pick up by September. I know the cycles like the back of my hand, it’s going to happen. Maybe it’s the shift I’m on this (and last) week; reminding me of the days (years) I spent working midnights, and the nights there would be nothing to do. I can listen to internet radio, I can surf the news sites. Hell, I can (and am) read a book. (It only now dawned on me I could spend time writing in my blog to make up for the lack of writing when I get home around 12:30am, when it’s the last thing on my mind.)

But I need to feel busy. Being out of work for 18 months didn’t help, and I’m tying my self-worth too much into the job. I can’t figure out how to relax and just ride the surf.

And tonight I’ve been having muscle pain and I’ve completely convinced myself it’s heart-related, even though it’s on the other side of my chest. It’s a strained muscle, for fuck’s sake.

I’m taking this shit far too personally.