The Bloody Doors Off

What the fuck am I even doing here?

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Graphic designer, playwright, occasional asshole

We can think it for you wholesale

I’ve been struggling. Despite things going well at work, in spite of my personal life being more active than it was. Essentially, small problems arise and they give me anxiety. It becomes blown out of proportion and, while I can keep it bottled in and deal with it, the process isn’t healthy. Not the bottling, certainly not turning molehills into mountains.

And it makes no sense. But if you know me, it does. I have this need to be in control of my environment, to situate things to my advantage or at least minimize the risk. And when it’s not, it cuts deep and leaves a scar. Because I can’t just roll with it.

So, this brings me to today and what my psychiatrist thinks I need to get involved in: cognitive behaviour therapy. And probably group.

I’m open to anything at this point. I’m tired of feeling this way, being on the defense. This of course means adjusting my schedule even more, and learning to roll with it.

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2 responses to “We can think it for you wholesale”

  1. Harold Avatar
    Harold

    Strive to be as charitable with yourself as you are courageous in your service of others. I believe you are stronger than you realize, though its damn scary admitting this to others, and especially, to ourselves. Sometimes we may amplify anxieties in order to feel like we’re dealing with something bigger or more powerful, thus giving us a heightened sense of accomplishment when we defuse the threat or contain the anxiety. It reminds me of the Gordon Pinsent character’s line in The Shipping News regarding a great storm threatening the village. Sorry for the ramble and I commend you on the investigative paths, but I still think you’re a damn fine person. Keep us abreast of the progress.

    “A work that aspires, however humbly, to the condition of art should carry its justification in every line…To snatch in a moment of courage, from the remorseless rush of time, a passing phase of life is only the beginning of the task. The task approached in tenderness and faith is to hold up unquestioningly, without choice and without fear, the rescued fragment before all eyes and in the light of a sincere mood. It is to show its vibration, its colour, its form; and through its movement, its form, and its colour, reveal the substance of its truth — disclose its inspiring secret: the stress and passion within the core of each convincing moment. In a single-minded attempt of that kind, if one be deserving and fortunate, one may perchance attain to such clearness of sincerity that at last the presented vision of regret or pity, of terror or mirth, shall awaken in the hearts of the beholders that feeling of unavoidable solidarity; of the solidarity in mysterious origin, in toil, in joy, in hope, in uncertain fate, which binds men to each other and all mankind to the visible world.” ― Joseph Conrad

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  2. Mallory Avatar
    Mallory

    CBT can work. It worked for me and my hubby. It is hard to re-train your brain to think a new way but the benefits are worth the effort!

    Reply

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