The Bloody Doors Off

What the fuck am I even doing here?

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Graphic designer, playwright, occasional asshole

Why I Can’t Have Nice Things

I’m waiting for the shoe to drop.

Seriously.

Here’s the thing. I landed the 6-month contract. Right now it’s down to the background check, which I’ll pass. I went through one last summer for another client and there were no issues. The resignation and response from the 2-day a week job was cordial. My main client is totally fine with me assisting them in the evenings and weekends. And I’ve got two additional rebranding jobs (one deadline is September, so lots of time there).

This is the opportunity I’ve been fighting for, begging for, since I was laid off in 2012. And I can perfectly accept the potential that things managed to coalesce at the same moment in time. Like a singularity, I’m now self-aware.

And yet.

I’m waiting for the rug to get pulled out from under my feet.

How fucked up is that?

My heart begs, let’s just be happy. That I should ride this wave now that it’s crested. But my brain, oh it’s completely at odds.

I’ve joked that, because my ancestry is German and English, I’m constantly at war with myself.

This. This perfectly sums up what I’m feeling.

Someone tell me how to make it stop. How can I become Dr. Strangelove, and learn how to stop worrying and love the bomb?

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2 responses to “Why I Can’t Have Nice Things”

  1. Harold Avatar
    Harold

    Hello. Yes, you’ve been warned too … so I’ll just spit it out, albeit in a verbose rambly way. Paul _ Koster, you are probably one of the most brutally honest and gifted and caring people that I know. You are smart, considerate, loyal and have a twisted irreverent sense of humor. You have a sharp and jagged mind, whose trait is that it probably strives to overwork rather than to relax. But when one becomes a schadenfreud-ster in solitude, occasionally the target of the fear or the anticipated misfortune is or can become themselves. Doubt can be a useful thing, as it can provide a temporary motivating force to get your ass out of danger or to take action meant to be proactively defensive. Use some doubt to keep you alert, but not so much as to make you sick. Keep hungry for some new and ongoing gigs, but don’t let some sense of doubt rob you of the opportunities of experiencing some joy and satisfaction not just with the freedom, but with the associated responsibility, and with the pride of recognizing you’ll do amazingly good work. People who know you admire you and are proud of you because you’re a damn fine person, so don’t be ashamed or embarrassed to realize that you are capable, and focus your considerable energies and talents on surpassing your own high standards. And the rest of the world … well tell those bastards to go grind on someone else.

    Reply
  2. Diana Howe Avatar
    Diana Howe

    You’ll make it Paul…

    Reply

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