The Bloody Doors Off

I have trouble sleeping. On a good night I need sleeping pills just to get tired. Lately I’ve been pushing back when I take them. It’s even worse right now, because I’ve been up extremely early (comparatively speaking).

Fucking hate that I need sleeping pills. But without ’em, I wouldn’t be crawling into bed until the crack of dawn.

There’s a lot of me in A Song for Rachel, and this is one of them. But she has nightmares. I don’t remember much when I dream.

When I was a kid, different story. I used to have the same dream. I could travel between worlds (the sci-fi nerd is strong in this one) but things were usually backwards. I’m convinced I saw this on television (it was too early to be influenced by a movie, didn’t get to many of those until I was older) and it stuck. I wonder if that has to do with my storytelling: as much as I want to write genuine, down-to-earth stories, I’m attracted to more high concept ideas.

I also used to dream of flying, but as I’m scared of heights (even as a child), I could only go a foot or two off the ground. It was a grand adventure when I got over the hydro wires. The first time I was in an airplane I flew with a neighbour (he had his pilot’s license) in a single engine turbo prop. I think I barfed when he did a barrel roll. To this day I panic on take-offs and landings. In flight, oddly, I’m at ease.

Granted, part of my fucked up sleeping patterns comes from working midnights for a decade. While my schedule was consistent (when I went to bed, when I woke up), I still dealt with major bouts of insomnia. I can remember going well over 24 hours without, several times. And it really fucked up my relationships too: family, friends, girlfriends. I was living a different life than everyone else. Like I was on a parallel world, where everything was backwards to what I knew.

And don’t get me started on the sleep apnea. Without my CPAP, I snore like a sunovabitch and stop breathing several times an hour. Apparently I also kicked my ex-girlfriend. (Remember the Seinfeld episode where Kramer complained that he couldn’t sleep because his girlfriend has ‘jimmy legs’? It’s called restless leg, and I have it.)

So if you’re keeping track, I take a sleeping pill to get me tired enough to sleep, a pill for restless leg, and a large dose of tryptan to keep me asleep. Yup, even when I fall asleep, I have trouble staying down. And the CPAP makes sure air is forced in my lungs.

I’m not even talking about the pills for depression, mood stabilizers, and diabetes meds.

This. This is one of many reasons I had a breakdown last October. And, I fear, if I stay long-term with the newspaper layout job, it could cause a second one.

Goodnight, world.

Sweet dreams.