The Bloody Doors Off

This movie devastated me.

So much I identified with Joaquin’s character. His isolation, how he internalized his emotions (and how it destroyed a relationship). And to watch him break out and free, only to experience loss again, in a completely different way.

I’ve always been closed off. The reasons why are pretty fucking obvious. I’ve written about it enough. And even if I open myself up, there’s a piece of me that’s afraid of being hurt, or abandoned. The past 2 women I’ve dated, and said ‘I love you’ to, it wasn’t said back. I saw a pretty fucking great relationship fall apart because I couldn’t open up that part of myself that was walled off. Things got hard, and I got silent. I couldn’t express myself.

I thought I was working through my demons in this latest play.

Turns out I’ve got a lot more to focus on.

And in this moment, as a writer, I feel like a hack.