The Bloody Doors Off

Today was sloppy, in every sense of the word.

First, I couldn’t wake up with the alarm. I’d set it for 10am (decided it’d be nice to sleep in a bit) after going to bed at 1am. But nope, couldn’t get my ass out of bed. After half an hour, I managed to get up to feed the cats, take my anti-depressants and crawl back under the covers until 12:30pm. More fucked up dreams (thankfully no murder mysteries today). Even when I finally joined the living it was like moving through molasses.

Somehow, I’d found a spark of energy and an idea to go to the St. Lawrence Market for a few groceries, the plan (and execution) to get a pork roast to cook tomorrow. Picked up one that was bigger than I’d originally planned but I cut it in half and put the second piece in the freezer. And then I hate leftover chicken, because I’d burned up the energy going outside.

I’m still feeling depressed, have been for a while. And fighting it through usual methods haven’t been helping me break through. You know how they teach you, when driving and hitting a patch of black ice, to steer into the skid rather than trying to fight your way out? That’s what I’m trying today. I’m saying “fuck it, fine, I won’t go against the grain”. Don’t know if it’s really helping yet, but I did apply for 3 jobs tonight (but not putting unrealistic expectations on them). 2 were part-time/freelance graphic design jobs. I’d be happy doing those. It might even be a good idea to start with. And there’s a rehearsal for the play tomorrow, and I’ve decided I’ll sit in and be available if they have any questions. Better than sitting on the couch and feeling like crap.

There’s no real point or purpose to this post. Just getting the crap out of my brain.