The Bloody Doors Off

The past week it’s been near impossible to write in my blog, and I couldn’t figure out why. I also haven’t been sleeping well.

I think the two are related.

Because I’ve been keeping just how awful I’ve been feeling to myself. Today I realized it more than ever, just how paralyzed I am feeling. The idea of just picking up the phone and making an appointment for Mels (Toronto Human Society is offering $20 spaying in February) should be a no-brainer. Calling a case worker to help with my Trillium, OW and ODSP applications can only help my situation.

But I’m so fucking afraid. Of what, I don’t know. But it’s pervasive. It haunts my every movement. I feel it behind my eyes. Like it’s not even me looking out, but someone else. Still hearing my own thoughts, providing a monologue.

This isn’t me. It hasn’t been me for too damned long. The guy who walked out of the hospital in October, the one who hoped things would turn around and tried to make it happen. I don’t know where he is right now. And I don’t know if I can get him back.

Today I’m grabbing a bite with my brother and then seeing a play with a friend. I haven’t decided if I’ll be coming home. Because right now, I can’t fucking breathe.

I’ve set this to post while I’m out. We’ll see if there’s another post tomorrow. If not, then I’ve most likely checked myself back into Toronto East General.

That’s how I felt 2 hours ago. I’m much better now.

I considered deleting this post. It was set to publish hours from now, when I wasn’t at the computer.

So why the change? Why didn’t I bury it? Because that’s not who I want to be. I can’t bury the problems I’m having. But I also don’t want to be that guy who write cryptic shit and makes their friends worry. But most of all, I need to recognize that this was going through my head.

Still afraid. Still don’t feel like myself, nor do I know how exactly I’m going to change it. Like my friend Kate has expressed to me, my brother Kevin today suggested I consider volunteering. As a virtual shut-in of late, this is resonating more and more for me. Maybe giving back to others will provide a new sense of purpose for me. While I look for new purpose.

Anyway. Not going to ‘take a walk in the snow’. Don’t know what my next move is yet, but it’ll be something… positive. I hope.