The Bloody Doors Off

What I’ve been noticing, or at least finally catching up on, is how counter-intuitive I’ve been for the past year or so. Actions and decisions that came naturally to me are second-guessed, analyzed to the point of a Woody Allen monologue (without the wry humor) and dismissed.

Used to be, I’d instinctively know the course of action and do it. I could act on some things, rather than react, which has been a recurring problem. And sure, sometimes I’d get it wrong, but it wouldn’t flame out in such spectacular fashion. Only now…

Today was a day I tried to say ‘yes’ to something. I hesitated, for close to an hour. Debated whether or not I could just jump without a safety net and enjoy the ride. Finally my brain said “this could be the best fucking thing to happen to you in years, and if you don’t, it’ll haunt you”. So I took the leap.

And, then it fell apart. I get why; and I’m okay with that. But I went against the way my brain’s been feeding me, my emotional roller-coaster has been jerking me about, hoping this was the start of a change. It wasn’t.

So now, I really don’t know what to think or do.

That scares me.