The Bloody Doors Off

AKA why I am as I am.

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In the world of kink, I’m a late bloomer. Hell, I was stuck in permafrost throughout my 20s. In high school I didn’t date much. Despite enjoying getting up on stage and performing, I was a severely introverted. I could never tell if a girl liked me. You’d pretty much have to hit me over the head with a blinking sign that said “I’ll say yes to a date if you ask”. After the fact I learned of 2 girls who thought I was interesting and cute. Both, however, were dating someone else when I found out. (This is a recurring theme.) One, whose name I forget (sadly), I remember had blonde hair and worked at the Howard Johnson’s in the laundry when I was a houseman. She told me at my best friend Doug’s party one night (while there, yes, with her new boyfriend). That night I walked home (across the street) drunk, and passed out in the bathroom.

And there was the party at Antonella’s. I was doing a co-op at The Scarborough Mirror (last year of high school) and was invited to her New Year’s Eve party. I passed out in the kitchen that time. I woke up in the morning to a redhead saying “maybe next time?” as she canoodled the staff photographer. (I think she was fucking with my head; I had no recollection of her the previous night.)

Now, I wasn’t completely oblivious. I did date. Lost my virginity at 19 (which was horrible; I mean, c’mon, it doesn’t matter how many times you masturbate, the first times you have sex, it’s gonna be over quick). I had some encounters in my 20s, but nothing serious. It wasn’t until I entered my 30s that I got serious with anyone. Part of that, I had unresolved feelings for a crush who really devastated me back in my early 20s; it put me off relationships for a while. I don’t blame her for that.

So my first serious relationship in years happened in my early 30s. I could’ve seen myself marrying her. (Let’s not discuss why it didn’t happen, shall we? That’s not what this post is about.) But the sex was awesome, and if I think back on it, there were the first indications that I liked kink. Roleplay, a few other minor things. I didn’t really figure it out until a few years after we broke up though.

I found out about kink through a show titled, appropriately, Kink. It ran a few years on one of the more alternative Canadian stations, and followed several couples that explored various BDSM relationships. I remembered it aired on Friday nights, and I refused to miss an episode. So much of it was making sense in my brain. The desire to take control, being dominant, certain fetishes. My first fetish was spanking, and when I met Katrina, I got to try that out. And that’s all it took.

And then there was writing in role play games. We would occasionally write some adult, graphic, material. And my characters enjoyed being dominant. When I wasn’t able to express it in person, it was on the computer screen.

Five years ago I found Fetlife (I think I learned about it through Kink). I created a bare-bones profile, and lurked for about a few years. I’d since met and started dating WB (from a vanilla website too). I got actively involved and started discovering my kinks about 3 years ago and learned a lot about myself.

Flash forward to today.

I’m back on the fringes somewhat. I haven’t really been able to get myself back to the level I was. The past year was hell and it took a toll on my psyche. I feel like a shadow right now. I’m pushing myself to go back to events, but have barely played or dated. I’d really like to get back to who I was. It made me happy.