The Bloody Doors Off

Not surprisingly, I have an issue with this phrasing today. Not the sentiment behind it, but the wording.

Happy. Yes, I’d like to be happy. More than anything right now, I’d like to carve out the piece of my brain that refuses to behave in this manner and just be ‘happy’. But I know it’s not that simple. So the greeting ‘happy new year’ is frustrating. You’re wishing me to be positive and I appreciate that. But what I really need is ‘good’. A Good New Year. Because good things, like steady employment, an income stream, would go a long way to making things better, and in turn, allow me to focus on other aspects to get well. A Good New Year would find me feeling more socially positive as well. I wouldn’t feel more comfortable curled under a blanket staring at a television or computer screen; instead, I’d be out enjoying moments with friends, or various things the city has to offer.

Sadly, right now, it seems like it all comes back to needing a job. I’m under bankruptcy, so I have to pay out an additional $200 a month to the trustee to dispense amongst my creditors. I have to keep track of and report every cent I receive and spend each month; and this is ongoing until May or June. So I have to consider and reconsider every move I make, which a) depresses me, and b) ultimately prevents me from doing many social things I’d otherwise enjoy. Add to that the lack of money coming in presently, and even if I got on OW right now, it would barely cover rent. Forget about heat, internet (which I need for my business), television (to while away the hours when there’s nothing to do), groceries. Prescriptions.

So, right now, there’s really not much I see as a ‘happy’ 2014. And why I seriously need a better year ahead.