The Bloody Doors Off

Right now, in this moment.

Fuck Christmas.

This outlook may change any moment.

But in this moment. I’m tired. Angry. Sad. Frustrated. Livid. Oblivious. Dangerous.

I want to cry. Sleep. Throw things. Shut off.

It’s chemical; I know that. The highs and lows this month, as the holidays approached, have been more pronounced. The holidays last year were bad. And this is a repeat. Add in the blackout, and the struggle gets worse. I don’t doubt I’ll have a new diagnosis, and new medication. But I have to push through to 2014 before that happens. And I’ll have moments where everything is:

Amazing. Charming. Glorious. Strong.

I just wish I was feeling that right now.