The Bloody Doors Off

Today’s been a blast.

Where to begin? Woke up with the alarm, stumbled into the bathroom for ablutions, took my anti-depressant and climbed back under the duvet for another 30 minutes. The cats ensured I got up with the reset.

Surprisingly, it wasn’t downhill from there. It sometimes is, when I can’t get out of bed the first time. There was sun streaming in the west-facing window, and the coffee actually did as advertised. There weren’t any City officials at my door, so that was a relief. I still don’t know what’s up with this. I’d really appreciate not having to deal with conflicting information, especially when I have no say in the outcome.

Also out of my hands: my appointment with Employment Ontario got cancelled. This is the second time. The first time I scheduled, I ended up in hospital. And even then, they called to cancel the appointment (it was right after I was released). And I didn’t reschedule then because I couldn’t handle even the idea of working. But with the EI medical extension running out this week, and knowing I have to reapply for OW, it’s now or… now. I’ve got no choice. Ready or not.

I don’t know if I’m ready. Shit.

Last night just proved how bad I can cycle emotionally when the shit hits the fan. It’s been a spiral this year. When confronted with crap in the past, I’ve had something I could focus on. If it was personal, I had work to glom onto. In the past 16 months I’ve lots my job, a relationship, an apartment, a roommate, my sanity. I’m broke, financially, mentally and emotionally. Every time I think, there’s nowhere to go but up, I’m proven wrong.

When I was in high school, I once fell off the stage into the orchestra pit. I was black and blue down the entire right side of my body. I got lucky I didn’t break any bones (but it fucked up my back in the years to come). Months afterward, I found a daily calendar page on the director’s floor. It read:

‘Paul’s Law: you can’t fall off the floor.’

I’d proven it wrong then. I proved it wrong again last October.

And I’m worried I’m still falling.

Okay, so despite this, when you’d think I’d get depressed, things went 180 degrees. I got a little manic. Had to get out of the house. So I bundled up and went to the Gerrard Square mall to buy, of all things, antibacterial soap for the bathroom. I had to have it today. I wasn’t going to be satisfied until the refill was purchased. I got totally OCD over this. And I hate that.

So let’s add that to the laundry list for my psychiatrist appointment tomorrow.