The Bloody Doors Off

That’s a question I constantly ask myself, and nine times out of ten, I don’t have an answer.

Tonight, I locked down the play. The dramaturge was extremely happy with the final edits, and it’s been sent to the director for casting. A whole new set of nerves now sets in. If I’m able, I will sit in on a rehearsal or two to answer questions. But I don’t think those start until January.

I realize more and more how I need things to occupy me, mentally and physically. Complacency leads to inertia, which leads to over-obsessing and second-guessing. I think that’s why I hated my last job so much. (Note, I’m not talking about Genuity, but the company that took it over). So many nights, there was nothing to do. I twiddled my thumbs for hours. And trying to find make-work was ridiculous. I’d come up with a plan and presented it to the higher-ups, who pretty much smiled and thanked me, then filed it away. The people at Genuity were awesome: they were open to new ideas. Not all would be adopted, but they listened.

Fuck, I miss working full-time. Could I handle it, at this moment? I don’t have the answer to that. I need to work, and while I enjoy being my own boss, there’s not enough to keep me afloat. Nowhere near enough. So I have to figure out what else to do. Do I temp? That would be a good way to ease back into the 9-5 working life. Which means I need to finish working on my resume. (Need to do that regardless.)

I don’t want to be a burden on people. I want to support myself. I want to know what’s next.

Which also means deciding on what to write next. I don’t want this forward momentum to stagnate. So I need to go over ideas, both written down and floating in my head. And I need to keep writing my blog. It helps a ton.

And relationships? Am I ready to date? Yes, I’ve actually been talking to a couple of people online. But it’s so much easier to be brave and smart and charming behind a computer screen. So what’s next?

What’s next, indeed.