The Bloody Doors Off

Tomorrow marks a month. A month since walking into Emergency and admitting I was in crisis. Accepting I had been trying to stay strong for so long, tilting at windmills (some real, some imagined), feeling defeated, and finally cracking under the weight of it all.

Everyone sing with me: It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine…

It hasn’t been rainbows and puppies. There’s been some really dark times.

I still have problems being in larger social circles for an extended period of time. But I try. I doubt myself sometimes, but not all the time. And when I do, I ask why. I look for answers, rather than accept it for what it is.

But you know what? It hasn’t been all thunder and storm clouds either. There’s been some really good moments too.

I’m closer with my brothers. I’m writing. I maintain this blog daily. Secrets are deadly. Writing it all out helps. I’ve added about 20 pages to the play in less than 2 weeks. The dramaturge loves what I’ve done with it. It’s surprised the hell out of me. I got a 9 week extension for the EI Medical leave. I was approved for OW (which won’t become active until January or February because of the extension, but still).

Every morning isn’t the easiest to wake up, but I am getting consistent. I’m not hitting the alarm clock. I am getting to bed at a reasonable time. I’m almost through my second month of bankruptcy (7 more to go!) My roommate is moving in shortly. The upstairs neighbors are gone in less than 10 days.

Sure, money is still a struggle, and will be for a while. But I’m slowly getting motivated. I’m getting better.

I’m also a month without a cigarette. That, alone, is worth celebrating.

I look back from where I was a month ago, to where I am right at this moment, writing this blog post.

And I can kinda smile.