The Bloody Doors Off

I’m starting to hate those words right now. And it’s not because people have said that to me. They haven’t. Anyone who’s engaged me since Tuesday have been incredible. My oldest brother Kevin dropped pretty much everything this afternoon when I’d returned his call and was struggling. (I have no doubt my other brother Wayne would do the same if he were in Canada today.) And I’ve got friends who’ve said that I could call anytime, day or night, and they’d be right by my side in a heartbeat.

I hate these words, not because others have said them to me, but because I’ve too often said them to myself. Including today.

How stupid is that? Be Strong, Koster. You’re being ’emotional’. No one wants to hear it.

That kind of thinking is, I know in this moment, is bullshit. It’s the nagging doubt of months of decisions I think of as wrong, of problems that have built up, that feel like they’re gonna swallow me.

If you ever hear of someone talking about an abyss, yeah. It’s because they’re feeling weak, so fucking down on themselves that they can’t see a way to fix the problem.

And the kicker is, it’s not like I’ve always felt that way. I’ve been ‘strong’ without ever having to say it to myself. It was just a part of who I am. (I almost said was, and that would be incorrect. It’s still there; I just need to remember it’s a part of me.)

I’m an introvert. (Go ahead, laugh.) Yes, I performed improv for over a decade. I emceed a fucking Whedonverse convention in the U.S. for three years running. I could get up in front of a crowd, keep ’em entertained, make ’em laugh. Because it wasn’t about me. Sure, I loved the sound of laughter. I got satisfaction over knowing that other people were happy. It was a rush. I never thought it made me strong, but I definitely found strength in it.

I also found strength in work. I’m good at what I do. But now the pool is deeper, and everyone wants to see a piece of paper that says you spent x amount of time learning it in an accredited school. Some faceless person in Human Resources isn’t checking out the years of practical experience you’ve had in the industry, just that you owe thousands in student loans and will take the job cheaper than the guy beside you. (Okay, I know that isn’t true– entirely– but sometimes it feels that way.)

So now I need to find new ways. Leading up to last Tuesday, I called them distractions. Ways to keep me pre-occupied. But that’s ignoring the issue. And that doesn’t work.