The Bloody Doors Off

I’m not myself. Haven’t been for some time, and it all caught up to me on Tuesday. I had what can be described as a meltdown/breakdown at my psychiatrist’s office. The pressures of no EI, not getting on OW until at least December, no health insurance, mounting health costs and a limited self-employment income stream overloaded me mentally and emotionally.

He asked if I was in crisis. I wanted to deny it, but couldn’t.

He asked if I needed to be evaluated at hospital. I wanted to deny it, but couldn’t.

So at 7:00 pm on October 22nd, I checked into TEGH. I spent the night in a secure ward, and in the morning was admitted to the 6th floor.

I couldn’t sleep. I rely on pills to knock me out and keep me asleep (for some reason I can’t sleep through the night without them). Wednesday was tiring. Knowing I was restricted in my movements, behind locked doors, not able to go for a walk except around the ward. No smoking. A meal plan geared to my diabetes. Pills. Watching CMT. (shudder)

Despite having my sleeping pill on Wednesday, I woke up in the middle of the night. My roommate was snoring. The bed was too small, there weren’t enough blankets. I was cold. I was worried.

I was there until Thursday afternoon. I was feeling better. Okay, I was feeling bored and I was feeling stronger. The psychiatrist on staff agreed. My brother, a godsend, who came to see me asap on Wednesday morning and again Thursday, took me for a coffee and then home.

It was a struggle last night, but 2 good ‘vanilla’ (only because they’re not on FL yet) came and kept me company. And of course I woke up in the middle of the night, even though I had the pills that usually help me sleep through the night. (It didn’t help that the upstairs neighbour goes to work at 5am and stomps around at 4am).

Today I saw my psychiatrist and talked about the feeling that maybe I jumped out too soon. I know that if I needed to, I could go back. I made busy work getting kitty litter (seriously, my current roommate is useless — he dumped an entire 4kg bag in the box on Tuesday and didn’t bother to clean it, which meant I had to dump the whole thing today). I ate lunch. Laugh if you will, but I haven’t been eating 3 meals a day for a while. That should’ve been a clue.

Right now I feel fine. Tomorrow I’m seeing my brother again for breakfast. I plan to do laundry (good lord, it’s piled up). Tonight I’ll watch stuff on my PVR and try to stay warm. I’ll take my pills. I’ll try and sleep.

When I can, I’ll start attending events again. When I know I’m strong enough. I need to be more social. I know that being with friends is great medicine.

So ya know, if you’re ever in the area and want a cup of coffee and a chat, I’d welcome the company.

I still don’t know how I’m going to get through the immediate future, and it’s gonna be one hell of a struggle, but I’m not giving up.

But I might need help, and the odd smile and hand hold.