The Bloody Doors Off

And honestly I’m not sure how i feel about that.

I wanted this to be a tool that got me writing again. A tool to spark my creativity. Yet it hasn’t been a daily exercise (not yet), and when I do eventually write, this is what motivates me. Granted, it’s good to write it down rather than keep it bottled up. Ultimately there will be perspective and I’ll develop tools to deal with it.

Here’s what I’ve realized this week.

I’m usually fine during the day. Some mornings are hard waking up. Not because I don’t want to be awake, or hide from the day. Yes, I’ve been in that place. I’ve gone days, weeks even, where I could barely function. But I’m on Pristiq now (100 mg one day, 150 the next) and it gets me by. Used to be the moment I was out of bed I had to take my pills. But there’s enough in my system now that the daytime is fine. And the mood enhancers/stabilizers I’m on keep me even keel. But…

It’s late at night that things tend to hit me hardest. Earliest? 10pm. Sometimes not until midnight. But it hits. Holy fuck it does a number on me. When the girlfriend stays over, it’s nowhere near as bad. 90% of the time I don’t even notice the dip in mood. Maybe I’m not even dipping. Though I did once this week. It started creeping in, and it took a shitload to keep the panic at bay. I should’ve told her. I didn’t. She knows about my depression and anxiety attacks (another blog post). And if I feel the anxiety, I tell her. Keeping communication open is important for me, for us. But for some stupid reason, I didn’t on Tuesday. Because there are times I worry, and you can argue that it’s a stupid thought but I still have it — I worry that I’d be burdening her with it (which I know I’m not). But I also want her to know that I’m there for her if the situation was reversed. And I am there. No argument. When she gets back in town, I’m sure I’ll tell her.

Okay, focus. I get depressed and anxious late at night. It’s no longer an occasional thing. It’s happening on a more regular basis now. And I can’t identify why. I don’t know what the trigger is.

There’s no reason I should be depressed tonight. None. Yes, the girlfriend is out of town, and I do miss her. But as we both said early on:

“I just want to hold you, not hold you down.”

How fucking awesome is that statement? She and I share our lives while still living them. She teaches me a lot, and I’m thankful. So yeah, I miss her, but I’m happy she doesn’t need to worry about me when she goes off to do what she needs to do, or visit her friends, or needs time for herself. And I enjoy the same space.

Her absence isn’t the trigger. It’s not why my mood dips late at night.

I’ve been out of work since early August. Yes, that’s extremely stressful. I haven’t finished my resume yet. It’s so close to being finished, and I’m hesitating finishing it. But I’m not panicking about the next day. I’m concerned about it sure. But things will get better. Again, not the trigger.

Here’s the thing: today was pretty amazeballs. Woke up too early, couldn’t really function even with 2 cups of coffee but laid down for 20 minutes and it made a world of difference. Had brunch with a friend, went to an oasis in the city with more friends and… yeah, not writing about that. Not yet. But the color red figured in the afternoon prominently, in many aspects. I came home, made dinner. Watched Doctor Who. Got into a stupid discussion on FaceBook on American politics (and holy fuck I can’t believe I know more about their political system than they do…) and chided myself for getting sucked into the stupid.

Should’ve still been riding the high from earlier. But no. The depression seeped in again.

And I can’t identify the fucking trigger. And it’s pissing me off.